Can't believe it's been 38 weeks!!

mood: so so ready yet a bit pensive

i seriously can't believe i am full-term and BG is going to be here literally any day now. she's not due for another 14 days, but as my OB is convinced she's going to come early, it really could be anywhere from tonight to three weeks from now (please not three weeks--i am ready now!). she 'dropped' about a week ago (the uterus falls lower into the abdomen in preparation for the upcoming labor so i can finally breathe again and don't have the searing rib pain anymore!). she's rapidly approaching seven pounds and is about 20 inches long right now. supposedly her weight continues to increase half an ounce per day (wow) while mine comes to a halt or i start losing weight. i've gained another two pounds over the past three weeks so the pound count is now at 18, which i'm content with. everyone has been saying i look ready to pop, which i take to mean my belly is huge, so i know she's gaining appropriately. i've been having braxton-hicks contractions regularly for over a month, but no real contractions yet.

BG responds to light, has a strong grip, and is now engaged in my pelvis in the position she'll be in when i deliver. last week the OB did a cervical exam and said, "i feel the baby's head." it was such a surreal moment--she was touching BG's head??? as ready as i am mentally, it was still odd to hear there's physically a baby in there! to be honest, though, even though it was wonderful to hear, i felt kind of jipped because i wanted to be the first one to touch her.

so the labor bag is packed (rups even packed a miniature one for BG's stuff), the car seat is in place, the pediatrician has been chosen, the clothes and bedding have been washed, the labor and delivery tour is done, the breastfeeding class has been taken, daycares have been contacted (she is on a six-month waiting list at three of them!!), maternity leave is worked out (i'm taking 12 weeks off so i won't be done with residency till the end of August), the nursery is ready to welcome her, friends and family have their cell phones, work phones and pagers on hand, now it's just wait time.

for the first time last night, i started becoming a little scared. i'm not sure of what really, but i've been having dreams lately of wanting to be taken care of and nurtured myself, as if once she is born that will never happen again. i know and and expect my life will be drastically different, and i think that's something i'm nervous about. rups and i have built a really good life for ourselves and we are so ready to bring a little girl into it, but we also have no idea about what to really expect. i think part of my fears are about labor itself, but three friends who have delivered recently said their deliveries went amazingly and they would do it again in a heartbeat. that's definitely encouraging. a lot of the fear is, to be trite, fear of the unknown. what is motherhood really like? i have plenty of good mothers around me, including my own, to see what to do in the later years, but i still have no idea what being a mother to a newborn is like. i can see how my friends are with their newborns, but i have a feeling until i experience it, it will still be totally foreign to me. admittedly, it's a bit selfish, but i wonder if i'll ever have time for myself again to just do my own thing like browse old bookstores, or write, or have a girls' night out, or sleep. i really love sleep. my little girl is going to be my world, i know, and i can't wait for that, but these questions still linger, you know?

so i turn 30 tomorrow (november 11). 30! it seems monumental but at the same time it feels like, 'so what?'. it doesn't really change anything, i'm definitely not upset in any way about it (i'm actually happy about it), and i feel like lots of the things i thought i'd do by 30 have been done (but plenty have not). the number is just so built up in our society as if our entire lives have to be set by now, so i am refusing to accept it as such a defining number. i'm going to choose 48 for mine.

rups had surprise after surprise for me this past weekend, from a beautiful pair of diamond earrings to a fancy dinner to a musical--i had a great time! i didn't need all that, but it was so nice to see how much thought he put into everything and how he still regards my happiness so highly (i think it was also his way of thanking me for the being the baby mama without the drama). as i've said before, he's going to be an amazing dad. he just better not be the fun one and relegate me to the discipliner role! it's funny to think there's a chance that BG and i might have the same birthday. she's definitely going to be a fiery scorpio, but i think for her future independence, it might be better for her to have her own day and not feel obligated to be with her mom on every birthday.

38 weeks: our knocked-up prom shot from this past weekend

so that's what's been going on lately. perhaps the next time i write i will be a new mom! or i'll be a very roly-poly overdue prego lady who's truly ready to pop!

showers for the baby

mood: pretty darn good

i've taken a huge hiatus from posting an entry, mainly because the last several weeks have been so packed with events (mainly baby related) that i haven't even had time to process them all. there's been the friends' baby shower in milwaukee, the family baby shower in chicago, rups' marathon, the family puja for the baby, my in-service exam, innumerable trips to babies r us, and ridiculous amounts of moonlighting to cover our expenses while i'm on maternity leave. i have no idea where to even start and have a feeling this will be a ridiculously long entry. you have my permission to read this in shifts. ;)

i suppose we'll start with the most important person. BG. :)

this is the ultrasound of her at 32 weeks. she's too big to fit her entire body into one image anymore, so here is her waving and her chubby cheeks.

our little chickadee is now 34.5 weeks along, about five pounds and just shy of 20 inches long. i'm not sure these numbers are normalized for indian babies, because i was 19 inches when i was born AND i was almost two weeks late! i've read she resembles a miniature being, whatever that means. from now on, not a lot changes except her fat stores build up (translation: adorable big cheeks and chunky monkey thighs). she has fairly well-developed lungs and would be able to survive outside the womb without extensive medical intervention. i'm not planning on having her come now, but good to know that if she did, she'd be okay. she can produce tears (yes, even within the womb!) and her brain is in a period of rapid growth and is producing hundreds of billions of new nerve cells! she is able to move to the rhythm of music, although being a product of rups and myself, let's just hope she takes her sense of rhythm from our sisters! all five of her senses are working, her nails are completely formed, and she already has REM sleep. wow. she acts completely like a newborn, with her eyes opened when awake and closed when sleeping--and she can blink. she can also see more clearly when there is a bright light on my stomach and probably has the outline of all my organs memorized! this stuff is amazing.

my belly shots at 34 weeks (this week)

she kicks all the time now, and i can often see her body parts creating trails across my belly as she swims around. the(unofficial, of course) ultrasound done a couple weeks ago showed all her measurements were normal. actually, her femur length was 3 weeks ahead of what was predicted for gestational age, which means i've been right all along and she's going to be a long-legged runner like rups. as for weight, she's even above the 80th percentile for her age! where is it all coming from?? i look pregnant from a profile view, but somehow only my basketball abdomen grows, nothing else. (trust me, i'm not complaining about that one). the good news is that somehow all the weight i was concerned about NOT having gained, i've gained in the past two weeks. i've gained about 2 pounds per week, so the pound count is now at 16, which my ob was relieved at. i told her it was mainly from junk food, but she covered her ears and said she actually didn't care how i gained it now, she was just happy i was gaining. well then, i guess that is free reign to eat as much ice cream, drink as much whole milk, and snack on however much chocolate i want.

of course, being pregnant can't all be peaches and cream, right? i have developed this awful sharp rib pain on my right side that doesn't go away with any treatment except a hot towel placed on it all night. i have no idea what it is...is it my uterus pushing on my rib? is it my rib pushing on my uterus? is it BG running her marathon in there? it's supposedly pretty normal, but my ob said it will be there till the baby 'drops', which basically means when she falls lower into my abdomen as her due date nears. i'll be able to breathe better and not have this rib pain, but it also might not happen for another 2-4 weeks. weeks??! also, i can't sleep worth anything anymore. i've gotten one of those ridiculously overpriced body pillows that looks like a ginormous cinnamon bun, which does help a good amount (or at least i think it does--i'm too afraid to try a night without it). some of the girls saw it after the baby shower and rightfully laughed pointedly at it, as rups does every night as he tucks BG and me in.

speaking of the baby showers, they were wonderful! the friends one in milwaukee was thrown about two weeks ago by my sister anjali and my awesome friends nish, wendy, and anna. it was beautifully organized and run; they really did a fantastic job. the cake alone fed 100 people and rups is still eating it. the decorations, the games, the clubhouse, the generosity of everyone who came totally blew me away. i'm usually someone who doesn't go out of her way to mix her different social worlds, but this baby shower had people from so many different parts of my life and it was just perfect. i think i've revised my separate worlds theory. i'd been looking forward to it for so long and i was so happy the whole day. within a few hours, my den/nursery went from organized and professional to so filled that i can only walk halfway into the room. granted, it's not huge, but it's not tiny!

picture 1: the hostesses and me: anna, anjali, me, wendy, nishat

picture 2: me and the sis

picture 3: friends palak, monu, me, rohini, jenny

picture 4: profile view

the family baby shower in chicago was this past weekend and was thrown by my sister-in-law rachana and my mother-in-law. it also was a lot of fun, and again, the generosity of all our family and family friends brought tears to my eyes. i feel really lucky and humbled to have such caring people in ours and BG's life. because of these wonderful people, however, i am now relegated to just the doorway of our den/nursery and left to marvel at all the cool things BG has that i wish came 10 sizes bigger. sometimes i feel brave enough to create a path to the computer, but mostly i just stare at our personal version of babies r us (which, i have to guiltily admit, i have frequented many a time in the past week to fill in the last bits of things we need and therefore have contributed to the overabundance of 'stuff' for BG).

picture 1: my mother-in-law (my MIL is on my left) and aunties

picture 2: my sister (to my left), me and my sister-in-law rachana (to my right)

picture 3: my family (sister's fiancee matt, sister anjali, rups, me, mom, dad)

picture 4: my sister joking around pretending to be pregnant by sticking her stomach out way farther than it actually goes (the auntie in the background is getting a kick out of it!)

it was great seeing my parents again this past weekend, too! they came from florida for an action-packed weekend. when my mom first saw me waddling down the hallway on friday night after not seeing me in person for at least four months, she let a howl of excitement and laughter that i'm sure would have had her arrested for noise pollution in florida. :) she was so happy to see how much my belly had grown! my dad was of course happy, too, but he was a bit more contained. the family baby shower was saturday night, and then rups ran the chicago marathon on sunday morning. he shaved half an hour off his time from last year, as well as his head! yes, he actually did pull off the mohawk! (by the way, thanks to all of you who contributed to his cause for autism research--it was really kind of you and there will be mohawk pictures posted soon!). he was happy to note he was the fastest patel in the race. :) and there were 30 of them!

if that wasn't enough for the weekend, we had the puja for BG that evening at rups' parents' house. family events in the patel family are never small; i think there were about 75 people there! it went well, i got slapped across the face by his kumkum-laden cousins (a staunch gujrati tradition in which they put red powder on their fingers and slap the mother-to-be to remind her to continue taking care of them. as i am marathi, i slapped them back). :) i gave an impromptu speech to our parents which was meant to just be a thank you and acknowledgment and appreciation for everything they've done for us, but which turned out to be a 5 minute talk on their sacrifices, their devotion, our respect and admiration for them, and how much we love and appreciate them. i was crying, rups' was tearing up, every person in the room (yes, even our dads) were choked up. it was great. :) we don't tell them enough how much we love them, and i couldn't think of a better time or reason.

so i think we're all caught up for now. BG is getting restless and wants her daddy to read to her. i think she really wants to watch smallville like i do. stay tuned for the next entry entailing the l&d tour, breastfeeding class, and the class on post-natal fears!

Sugary sweetness

Week 30
Mood: pretty good

















i can't believe this is me. seriously, this is weird. i've really popped out in the past few weeks. i now walk past a mirror or large window and it takes more than a few seconds to recognize my own reflection. rups actually thinks it's funny how big i am getting. he's gotten into the habit of staring in awe and then laughing, which then of course gets me laughing.

about three days ago, i had the gestational diabetes test at my ob's office. i drank this incredibly sweet syrupy orange concoction that i think is really just raw sugar melted in cotton candy swirled with sugarcane juice. getting it down wasn't the problem, but i seriously felt more nausous after drinking that than i have my entire pregnancy! it was so gross, and then i had to just sit there for an hour till i could get my blood drawn so that i didn't burn any of the sugar. everyone knows i am not an excerciser, but i would have PAID to be able to jog around the waiting room! i'll probably get the results tomorrow. i'm a little concerned, since i love sweets and diabetes runs in my family, but i feel i've been making pretty good healthy choices about what to eat, and the ultrasounds show she's growing at a good rate and is a good size.

speaking of size, i've decided not to be concerned about my lack of rapid weight gain. i'm due in 10 weeks and i've gained 11 pounds. i know that doesn't sound like much, but she's healthy, she moves around a lot, her size is good and my mom didn't gain an incredible amount of weight and i was just fine, so i'm just going to not stress about it. my ob has even said she feels okay with the weight gain, as long as i gain a pound a week for the next ten weeks. i'll try, but we'll see... BG now weighs about 3 pounds and is 17 inches long. she is running out of room in there but somehow (thankfully) keeps growing. sometimes i'll feel or even see a big hard lump against my abdominal wall, and i imagine it is her head--either that, or her little behind. :)

oh, and i started having braxton hicks contractions about a week ago! i thought the pressure was just BG playing the linebacker and ramming her head into my abdominal wall, but i found out yesterday that these were actually the contractions i'd always heard about. don't worry, they're normal anytime after the first trimester and do not indicate the onset of labor--it's just a lot of pressure from the uterus contracting that lasts a few seconds, and they don't hurt, but sometims they are a bit uncomfortable.

i'm so used to being pregnant now, but to actually have a baby...i'm ready, but at the same time, it's like, "really? someone is just going to give me a baby and i'm going to be it's mom?" but when i think about her--actually think about her, not just about being pregnant--i feel like she's so completely mine and we already have this total connection. BG and i understand each other's moods, communicate mentally, and have this language that only we can understand. i already know what her different kicks mean, and if i ever have any coffee (maybe once or twice a week), she definitely shows me her disapproval by kicking for 24 hours straight. i've quickly learned not to have more than one third of a cup, and even then only if i need to stay up all night when i'm on call at the hospital. she let my sister feel her kick (oh yes, she decides who she's going to kick for) for the first time a few nights ago, and it was one of the top three strongest kicks she's ever given. anjali's hand virtually flew off my belly! i think that means she really likes her.

the 'stuff' we need to get before she comes is coming together, but now i need to focus on the 'whos'. i have to find a pediatrician, a daycare center, an attorney to make a will, etc. that all seems like such adult stuff to do! we're ready for it, though. rups has really been wonderful throughout the pregnancy--from running out to the store to buy milk (i go through a lot of milk) to making sure i don't carry anything weighing over 2 ounces to setting up the nursery/den to even going shopping for baby girl outfits. he'll listen as i talk on and on and on about whatever comes to my mind, even if he's heard it a hundred times before. it's really so cute, and it's clear he's going to be so involved with her life.

...and the third trimester begins

mood: exhausted

first, i have to say i love getting emails and messages from all of you about the blog! it makes it even more fun to write. keep 'em coming!

i can't believe the third trimester is already here! at this point (week 27) BG weighs almost 2 pounds, measures around 14 inches from head to heel, and hears noises, responds to light, and is generally more aware of her surroundings. in the next 13 weeks she is going to gain about 6 pounds! where the heck is all that going to go?! i feel huge already! sometimes i don't know what to do with this big belly. it bumps into things (lightly) and seems to lead the direction i'm going in even if i planned on going the other way. i think BG is definitely playing games with me. she's already such a tease! i haven't gained any weight in the past two weeks, though, which i suppose is a bit concerning. she's still kicking away all the time, but i've only gained about 12 pounds in all so far. as long as i gain about a pound a week for the next 13 weeks, i should be fine, though. i started buying 2% milk, eating more chocolate, not getting anything low-fat, eating ice cream on a thrice daily basis, and in general eating the way i haven't eaten since high school. it feels good!

i'm getting kind of nervous. the only things we've bought so far are some books, stuffed animals, a crib and an armoire! that's not exactly going to feed and clothe the baby. we've been looking for and registering for bassinettes and play yards and gliders and blankets and pumps and all sorts of random things that i'm sure our mothers did without, but somehow seem crucial now. i'm trying not to fall for all the hype about the super brand name items or the ridiculously expensive 'must haves', but i find myself wanting things more organic. i read reviews like a maniac! anything under four stars from more than 20 people and the item is out. i know, it's a bit excessive, but that's really all i have to go on right now. everyone around me is having babies, but they're all being just born, so the experience is only starting to kick in for them, too. i'm sure by the next one i'll be like, 'that costs $2.99 and you have no idea what the reviews say? i'll take it." after we sort-of impulsively bought this beautiful armoire because we got a great deal on it, we realized we don't have any space in our bedroom so we have decided to turn the den into a nursery. rups put together the crib (it was very cute!) and moved the armoire in, aso the nursery is definitely starting to shape up!

this week i've reverted back to my first trimester exhaustion. i just don't sleep well at night anymore. rups says i've started snoring! i take offense to that! i do NOT snore, i just breathe deeply because my lung capacity is greatly diminished thanks to HIS child. (that excuse still doesn't prevent him from having to sleep in the guest room sometimes.) i wake up at random times throughout the night and have to find things to occupy myself (email, eating, reading random textbooks to bore myself back to sleep), and then all day the only thing i want is a nap. i start scoping out places to sleep at work--this office, that chair, that corner that looks semi-vacuumed. no, i don't actually just curl up in random places, but i do daydream about it. a lot. today i had about 24 minutes between work and a dentist's appt and i came home for a quickie nap. and it actually helped!

everyone keeps asking me about names. i'm not telling! we have one picked out but we're keeping it mum until she's born. too much input otherwise. and i'm keeping a backup just in case she doesn't look like the first name. we've gotten so used to calling her by the name that i really hope she looks like it!

25 weeks and the physical symptoms kick in

mood: more tired than usual

today (tuesday) is rups' birthday and BG (baby girl--very original, i know) got him a card and baked him a chocolate cake with reese's peanut butter cups crumbled in. he thinks it's funny and cute when i hold my belly and attempt my far-from-perfected ventriloquism by talking in a high pitched little girl's voice as if BG is talking to him, or do things as if she's the one doing them. and who am i to not further the developing bond between father and daughter? we haven't been as good about reading to her at night because our schedules have been so erratic and i've been out of town on my own for a week, but we're getting back into it. she seems to respond to his voice really well--she often starts kicking when he talks to her, which makes him even more happy to talk to her. it's really quite cute.

i also had my o.b. checkup today. at the last visit one month ago, my o.b. was concerned that i hadn't been gaining enough weight. that definitely wasn't the case today. i had been instructed to gain a pound a week over the past month, and i gained five pounds (total, not per week). so there! i definitely look pregnant now when i wear a dress, but when i wear looser shirts, people still can't always tell. i'll have my gestational diabetes test done next month. i'm a little concerned because i love love love sweets and there is a family history of diabetes, but my ob feels given my age and prior birth weight, i should be okay.

BG is doing really well. she's a lot quieter during the day nowadays, but at night, she loves to kick up a storm. she's about 1.5 pounds (how the heck does she kick so hard?!). she's obviously not ready to be born, but it is some comfort knowing that if i did go into labor this early, she is now old enough to be viable. she'd be in the hospital for months growing and avoiding infections, but she would likely survive. i'm scaring myself just thinking about it, so enough of that.

the heartburn kicked in a couple weeks ago and i finally understand why it is so awful! it's this searing discomfort that runs up and down your esophagus, and i found the only thing that makes it better is ice cream or chocolate milk (well, i guess regular milk would work but chocolate milk tastes so good!). this is not an excuse to feel like i'm doing something beneficial by gorging on ice cream, but it seriously is one of the only things that makes it go away. the heartburn doesn't happen every day, but when it does, it seriously makes me feel like an old wrinkly man melted into in his rocking chair complaining about and expecting a badge of courage for every ache. yes, heartburn makes me think all that.

to get my second badge/war wound, i have to mention that today i had the first pangs of back pain. you know, the achy kind that is so deep rooted that no massage even makes it feel better. that might be because i was trying to give myself a massage (rups was at work) but i don't think anything would have helped. i try to minimize the amount of tylenol i take; i usually only take it if i have a pretty bad headache, but if this backache keeps going, i might give in to the siren call of the tylenol.

AND, to top it all off, i haven't slept well in weeks. i just can't find a comfortable position, and i have three and a half more months of growing to go! i'm not quite as elatedly happy as i was in the past few posts (in fact, i'm a little grumpy in the evenings for about half an hour at a time), but i don't let myself take it out on rups. i'm pretty sure it's because i'm not sleeping well.

so there's all my complaining. the good news is that i feel pregnancy has been bringing me and my mom even closer together. we've always been close, but i think she feels that i can understand better the things that she's gone through (and she's right), so our conversations are longer and less hierarchical than they used to be. we talk basically every day now, whereas i remember when we'd go 1-2 weeks without talking before. it's nice. i feel lucky to have her support, especially as i've heard stories about moms who really just don't get involved in their daughters' daily pregnancy woes or make them feel like talking to them so regularly is kind of a nuisance. since we can only have two relatives in the room when we deliver, she is definitely going to be one of them. rups will of course be the other. sorry, anj!

she's got rups' features

mood: amazed

thanks to everyone who emailed or called or sent mental prayers after the last entry. yeah, it was a scare, but with the first pregnancy, you feel like you can't take anything for granted. several of you reading this are pregnant, and i know you can't say otherwise! she's doing great now, kicking away like a soccer player [i know, we live in the u.s.--who cares about soccer? ;) ], especially early in the morning just as i find a good sleeping position.

rups' friend, an ultrasound tech, performed a 4D ultrasound for us, and the pictures are amazing! she's only 22 weeks along, and already we can see her with such clarity--it's as if we're already holding her! you can see her cheeks, her nose, her chin, her hands, her knees. unfortunately, we can't put the videos up here, but seeing her move around in 4D was such a rush! she'd open her mouth wide or scratch her nose and it was kind of like watching tv, but it was watching a movie of our unborn child!

so i've attached some of the pictures here:

don't worry, she doesn't have a mohawk and she does have a hand! it was just the angle at which the pictures were captured. her eyes are fused shut for another six weeks, so no open eye pics just yet. i think she looks just like rups. what the heck??!

here's what's happening inside my belly this week: the baby is very thin but very developed. she measures more than 9.5 inches now, but still only weighs about 13 ounces. at this point, she has only 1 percent body fat. (i'd settle for 25% at this point). her eyelids are completely developed too, though they're fused shut until about 28 weeks. (i'm not sure i believe this; either i saw her eyes on the ultrasound or i saw right through her eyelids). her eyebrows are now formed, too, and the hairs are pure white! (guess we won't have to worry about unwanted hair removal for some time...) her arms and legs have reached their final proportions (but not their final size), and jumping jacks are her favorite activity. and she has nails! (remember that scene in juno...the nails saved the baby's life!). now for sure she can smile; i knew i wasn't seeing things! also, most importantly, her brain begins rapid growth. i better ramp up the talking to her and start playing classical music!

i'm doing well, too. i still have a lot of energy, i get the best nighttime shifts to work because everyone wants to look after the pregnant lady, and my belly still hasn't started knocking things over. before i got pregnant, rups and i met a pregnant woman who was really rather crabby 24/7 (major euphamism) to everyone around her (especially her husband), and i promised him i would never be like that. trust me, sometimes i want to get kind of snappy, but i hold it in because no one wants to be around a pregzilla. and, i, for sure, would never want to act like one. it's easy to feel like, because you're prego, the world should stop whenever you feel so much as the urge to sneeze. but it doesn't. nor should it. sure, the majority of my thoughts are with the pregnancy, but i am fully aware that my gravid state is not the center of everyone else's universe. to be honest, i'm a little surprised at myself--i thought for sure i'd be more demanding, more emotionally labile (the weekend doesn't count--there was a reason!), and more self-centered, but i'm just not feeling that way. i feel like the vibe i give off is the vibe my little girl picks up on, and all i want is positivity and happiness right now, towards myself and towards everyone around me.

waiting for that kick

mood: still a bit speechless

i'm discovering a baby is so much responsibility even BEFORE she is born, and when even the tiniest concern arises, the self-blame game is inevitable. tomorrow i'll be in my 22nd week, and i still think about those three drinks i had before i knew i was pregnant, not eating enough protein or calcium, not getting enough sleep, working too many weekends, not talking to her enough, sometimes forgetting to take my prenatals, etc. i know we just have to try our best, but is what i'm doing my best?

something happened last night that absolutely petrified me. i haven't even told my family about it yet because it's still too scary to talk about easily. it was basically a normal day for us. i got up, went to work, and was on call that night in the ER starting at 9 pm. as i woke up from a nap at 8 pm, i realized i hadn't felt her move for pretty much the entire day when usually she is so active. i mean, she loves to kick all day long! it just hit me all of a sudden that there could be something really wrong. rups was in chicago and i just didn't know what to do. i called rups and in the middle of telling him how concerned i was, i just started crying uncontrollably. i can't imagine what was going through his mind. it wasn't like a pms-type mood swing; he could tell i was genuinely frightened. he called his colleague who was on call that night and had me go to his hospital right away to get an ultrasound. all i could think of was the worst, and all the possible things i could have done wrong.

i don't even know how i drove myself to the hospital through the blinding tears. rups had told me to call a friend to come with me, but i didn't want to see anyone but my baby on the screen right then. i had finished packing up my stuff for the overnight call as if everything was normal because i didn't want to behave as if the alternative were a possibility. i ate an ice cream sandwich in the car even, because sugar always wakes her up before an ultrasound. i was trying to keep everything on the outside as normal as possible, but those were fifteen minutes filled with the worst thoughts i could imagine. all these awful scenarios kept going through my head (i will not repeat them here). i don't know if i've ever been that scared before, or wanted something that much. i kept repeating over and over: "be okay, xxxx. be okay, xxxx". even after the sugar load, i didn't feel a peep out of her.

rups' friend was waiting by the hospital door to take me to the ultrasound room. normally when he sees me he gives me a big hug, but he could see the gravity of the situation in my face and my bloodshot eyes. the ultrasound tech was this middle-aged japanese lady who was so sweet and tried to busy me with small talk while she was setting up the probe. normally i would have been annoyed at the distraction at such an important moment but that night i was grateful. she had me lay down on the table, put the probe on my stomach, and all of a sudden there was my little girl, sleeping away, her heart beating in the 140's, her hand up by her ear as if she was trying to listen to what i was whispering to her. she was so beautiful, carefree, and completely unaware of how much love someone already had for her. seeing her there like that, tears started streaming down my face. i was so relieved i didn't even know what to do but cry!

but still, even after seeing her heart beating, i waited several minutes to watch that she was having random movements of all her limbs, her head, her torso. i saw each millimeter of her move spontaneously, from shuffling her tiny feet to opening her eyes, and only then did i accept she was okay. my wish had been granted, my prayer had been answered, and my nightmare was no longer a reality. i went to the bathroom and just let myself sob for a while in such utter relief and happiness. rups had been waiting on edge for my call, and when i told him she was okay, i could feel over the phone the release of air that had been stored in his lungs. i think he didn't totally believe i wasn't still delirious, so he asked to talk to the ultrasound tech to confirm it.

that night i floated through work, and as a dazzling morning snuck up on the busy ER in the middle of suburban milwaukee, the little girl inside me gave a huge kick.

abnormally happy

Mood: Abnormally happy

here's the most recent picture of my little girl! i can't stop staring at it. :) so it obviously hasn't been a week since i wrote last, but i just wanted to write about how happy i've been lately. pregnancy is like a natural antidepressant, even if you aren't depressed. i just wake up happy every morning, and nothing really seems to shake that. i don't know if that's because it's second trimester and supposedly everyone is happy during this time, or because i know the little girl inside of me is always keeping me company and (at least for now), i can protect her every second of the day, or because i'm thinking of all the wonderful things to come. either way, at risk of sounding like the biggest cheeseball, i just feel really really good. one not-so-good thing is that two days ago my ob told me i haven't gained enough weight. i've put on about six pounds, and she thinks i should have put on a minimum of ten pounds by now. it's not like i'm not trying! i eat all the time! right after i met with her, i went to whole foods and bought a ton of proteinaceous organic foods. lots of fake meat, tofu, peanut butter, beans, yogurt, soymilk, etc. just one day of eating all that protein and i already have my first hemorrhoid. i know, WAY too much information, but oh well. you guys are the ones i can trust with this kind of info!

starting the sixth month

Mood: Good

so i've started the sixth month today. wow. the little one is 10.5 incles from head to toe (this week we start including the legs in the measurement; hence the large jump in length since last week) and weights 10 ounces. rups can get us a 4D ultrasound done (basically a 3D ultrasound that also shows movement). normal ultrasounds are only 2D. this new ultrasound can show the contours of the face, the skin, everything! part of me doesn't want to do it because i want SOMETHING to be a surprise, but part of me is like, 'why not just do it? it'll make me feel even closer to her'. we might get it done next week.

i really need to stop calling her the little one or the baby. we used to call her pinto, but she's far outgrown the size of a pinto bean and she is no longer a boy (even remotely). so i'm taking suggestions for a nickname until she's born. anj, manga works but it always requires an explanation. so anyone? anyone? nish, this doesn't include you... :)

rups felt her kick for the second time last night. for the past few weeks, she's been totally playing games with him. whenever i feel her kicking, i tell him to come over and feel. he always come running (virtually his only mode of transportation these days as he trains for the chicago marathon) but as soon as he gets there, she quiets down. then they play this game of pretending like each other isn't on the other side of my belly. she won't move so he'll pretend he's left, but she's actually already too smart for him. he tries to wait her out but the second he takes his hand off my belly, she kicks and he misses it. so finally last night she decided to let him feel her kick again. he was so happy--not quite like the first time, but just as content.

he still reads to her every night. now we've moved from the book of moral stories to a book called baby minds, which tells all about the developing minds of infants. it's pretty interesting--we've decided to have them learn three languages by the time they're three. ;) yes, we are trying to breed a race of brainiacs. did i mention they'll be beautiful brainiacs?

i've just started telling doctors and nurses in the hospital where i work that i'm pregnant. to be honest, unless i'm wearing something pretty form-fitting, you can't really tell i'm pregnant yet. when i told a few of the nurses i work with yesterday, they were like, 'oh, we just thought you had gas!'. i don't know what is more disturbing, the fact that they still can't tell i'm pregnant, or that they discuss it amongst each other when they think i have gas.

anjali, nish, wendy and anna (a friend in my program) are arranging a baby shower for me on sept 27th in milwaukee which i think is so sweet of them. and also my mom and mother-in-law are planning one for the aunties (and uncles) in niles on august 24th, which is also very kind. this baby is going to be so loved! i'm excited for her!

about me, i feel great! my emotions are (pretty) stable--i've only broken into tears for absolutely no reason at all twice during the whole pregnancy, the last time being a few days ago. of course rups thinks he's done something wrong and tries to make it up to me, and at the time i don't even know how to tell him i'm just crying for no reason because then he'll just think i'm crazy. otherwise i've got tons of energy and don't have to take afternoon naps everyday. i'm getting more used to my body, although to be honest, sometimes i do just feel pretty unattractive with this big belly and expanding hips. of course it's worth it, though! i feel i'm getting more attached to little pepita by the day. several people have commented that i have the 'pregnancy glow' and that pregnancy really suits me well. that's always nice to hear. we'll see what happens third trimester...

that's it for now. stay tuned.

First (official) ultrasound!

Mood: great

okay, okay, so i've had six unofficial ultrasounds already, but today was the first official one and it was just as exciting seeing my little girl swimming around in there. we'd figured it was a girl when we did the unofficial ultrasounds, but when it's confirmed, it makes the sex a little more believable. so we're having a girl and i couldn't be happier. i really wanted a girl first (and i knew all along that it would be...).

and i'm halfway through the pregnancy! i feel really good, too. my energy is back (it came back almost instantaneously soon after the start of the second trimester), i feel healthy, my appetite is back to normal (i know you're supposed to be ravenous the second trimester, but that was me the first trimester). i never had any morning sickness, so i feel really lucky about that.

enough about me, let's talk about the little girl growing inside of me. so right now she's about 6 inches and weighs around 9 ounces. she is starting to develop fingerprints, and i could have sworn i saw a little tuft of hair on her head on the ultrasound. also on the ultrasound, we've seen her hiccup, kick, wave, turn, sleep, curl up, and maybe even smile. (i know, that last one was stretching it).

but there are so many new little changes going on! i felt her kick for the first time about three weeks ago. i didn't know for sure if she was kicking or i was just having stomach issues, but the following days proved she was definitely kicking. she gets really riled up around 11 p.m. for some reason (i guess it's all the sugar from dessert). rups had the most amazing moment with her last weekend. we were at his sister's wedding and the father-daughter dance was going on. rups hadn't felt her kick yet, so when i felt her kicking, i put his hand on my stomach. right there, in the middle of the father-daughter dance, her little foot kicked his hand for the first time, and i saw his eyes light up and his mouth turn into a goofy grin like i'd never seen before. it was really the sweetest thing! he was so happy! now he sometimes just sits watching tv with his hand on my stomach, talks or reads to her every night, and kisses her goodnight (well, he kisses my expanding belly). he's so excited, and it really adds so much to my happiness to see him like this.

now that the ultrasound has definitely confirmed she's a girl, we can start shopping for stuff for her. i've actually done tons of shopping for myself (it's ridiculous how many clothes i've bought recently--14 dresses alone!) but nothing for the little one yet. i think pink is adorable, but i don't want an entire closet full of pink, you know?

we have to start thinking of daycare vs our moms taking turns staying with us, our call schedules, and purchasing all the big stuff, like cribs and strollers. my mom and mother-in-law are trying to get a baby shower arranged, but i think i'd like to have separate ones for the aunties and for my friends. especially because my mother-in-law would like to invite the men in the family to the auntie baby shower.

i'm supposed to possibly be able to hear her heartbeat with a stethoscope. it'll be the first time i've used my stethoscope in two years, but i'm going to go try now...

It's a girl!!!!

Mood: Ecstatic

we're having a girl! i am so excited! i would have been happy with a boy, but i am ecstatic that it is a little girl! rups is really happy, too. i think he would have preferred a boy, but he sees how happy i am and it makes him happy. he says as long as we have a boy eventually, he's excited, too. when i told my mom and sister, they started yelling with happiness and said now they get to start shopping for little girl's clothes. :) i think my mother-in-law probably wanted the first one to be a boy, but she's happy nonetheless and congratulated me wholeheartedly.

she's such a good girl already; when we were looking at the ultrasound, i asked her to kick and she started kicking right away! she'd look over at us and i could swear she was smiling. rups has been putting his hand on my stomach every night and reading her poetry that he picks out--mostly kids poetry. it is so cute! (even when he has no idea what he is reading).

so now we have to think of a new temporary name. pinto doesn't seem to quite fit anymore. ;) my soon-to-be brother in law wants us to name her hansa. ew.

gotta go read some poetry. i can't stop smiling.

scare

Mood: Relieved

i was at a friend's house a couple days ago and slipped on some water on her kitchen floor. i had no time to react or even think. the only thing i could do was put my hand out and before i knew it, i came crashing down on my left knee. thank GOD my stomach didn't hit anything on the way down! my knee hurt, and my heart was pounding, but other than that, i was fine. it wasn't me that i was worried about, though. before being pregnant, the first thought in my head would've been "great, now i'm going to have a big bruise on my knee all summer" but this time, all i could think about was the little baby inside me expecting me to protect it. even though i knew everything would probably be fine, i had rups sneak me into his department for an ultrasound. i just needed to see the heartbeat and see the baby moving her arms and legs (i use the word her, but i don't know the sex yet). as soon as i saw her happily moving around, i let out a big sigh and tears sprung to my eyes. i knew i was a bit worried, but i didn't know how scared i was. it was so good to just see her moving around! right now, there is no feeling that can compare.

other than that, i'm in the second trimester. i'll be starting the fifth month in less than a week and i'm still barely showing! i feel great, i don't need as much sleep, i'm for the most part so much more energetic than the first trimester, and my mood is just so good. second trimester really is soooo much better than the first--and i didn't even have morning sickness!

i've bought about $300 worth of clothes in the past month, but none of them are actually maternity clothes...i love the fact that empire waist shirts and dresses are in style--it makes shopping so much easier! more later...

twelve and a half weeks

Mood: Sleepy

just started the twelfth week (the title is not totally accurate, it just sounded better)! i just got out of my ob appt with my new ob doc; i still feel i just had a better connection with her. she's younger and less experienced, but maybe that's what the connection was about (the younger part). all my tests were normal and she prescribed me a prenatal with omega-3 fatty acids from algae (not fish oil, at my request). i've gained two and a half pounds, and am now in the triple digits for weight! it was weird seeing that (no haters, please--i'm pregnant).

with a doppler, i heard pinto's heartbeat whooshing away at 160+ beats a minute, which is totally healthy for him/her right now, and i heard his little movements going on inside. it was so cute! supposedly, you don't usually get an ultrasound until about 18-20 weeks unless you're high risk, but as soon as rups gets back from d.c., i'm going to have him do another one at his hospital cuz i want to SEE pinto just like i heard him.

yesterday i came back from d.c. after a weekend trip to visit rups. i hadn't seen him in three weeks and had really missed him! pinto had, too. he needed to hear his daddy's voice. it was a great visit, but of course way too short. i won't see him now for another couple weeks because he has interviews in seattle and portland and i have a wedding in new york and some moonlighting shifts i'm doing. this summer is going to be so busy; pinto will have a good head start traveling, that's for sure. hmmm, i wonder at what age babies need passports. probably right away.

i think i'll probably start telling people at the end of the thirteenth week, so in about two more weeks. then i can send out this blog to my friends and family, too.

Random thoughts

Mood: Lonely

so tomorrow i'll be ten weeks pregnant. it really seems so much longer than that. it's hard not having rups around for an entire month, not just because i'm pregnant, but just in general. of course we talk on the phone multiple times a day, but i'm so used to him being around, making me laugh, cooking together, tucking me in at night. i miss him a lot, and it's only been a week! i'll be visiting him in d.c. in a couple weeks, but even that seems so far away. perhaps the time will go fast.

pinto is doing well, as far as i can tell. he's now the size of a lime!obviously he is too small for me to feel his movements, but i know he's his father's child and is plenty active. he may be running his own marathons in utero. :) in about three weeks, i'll be entering the second trimester, which will not only make him bigger, but more public. as of now, only the immediate family and a few close friends know. i'll probably start telling people after thirteen weeks, even if i'm not showing. some people don't really show until after twenty weeks! that's still 2.5 months away! we'll also be able to find out for sure what gender pinto is around twenty weeks. i will seriously be happy with either a boy or a girl; as everyone says of their unborn children, i just want him/her to be healthy.

at this point, i'm a little hesitant to start making concrete plans for the baby (eg thinking about how to rearrange the guest room to accommodate a crib, looking into day care for after i go back to work, stocking up on stuff i know we'll need that is on sale now, etc). i guess i don't want to set myself up for disappointment and pain if something goes wrong. of course there'd be plenty of disappointment and pain anyway, but i don't want to think about that right now. everything will be fine.

i switched ob docs this week because i just didn't feel like the one i'd had the first two appts with really cared. maybe it was just that her personality and mine didn't click, but i always felt rushed, and a little dumb after leaving her office. i feel like she kind of glanced over things, she's really hard to get appts with, and part of me felt like she was judging me, like "you're a doctor, you shouldn't ask such dumb questions." but in this situtation, i'm not a doctor, i'm a to-be-mother who wants the best for her child and doesn't care if questions sound elementary or superstitious. i just wanted her to objectively answer them, with compassion, but i didn't feel that from her. so i switched to one of her partners, whom i'd seen once in the past for a non-ob check up, and i totally liked her. she wasn't as experienced since she was only two years out of residency, but i just felt so much more of a connection with her. i just made the changes with the secretary, so i don't think either doctor even knows yet. the new one will find out in three weeks when i show up at her doorstep.

First big scare

Mood: Relieved

okay, so i don't drink enough water. i KNOW. i'm trying, really i am, but i hate water. how can anyone hate water, i've been asked a million times. i don't know, but i do. i've tried flavored powder, different bottled waters, not letting myself drink anything else, but i still don't drink enough. so naturally (ready for too much information?), i've become rather constipated. this weekend the constipation cramps set in, and they scared the crap out of me (i wish). they did really freak me out, though. the worst possibilities were running through my head and after a few hours of relentless cramping, r and i went back to his hospital for a repeat ultrasound. we were actually on our way to chicago but knew we couldn't rest without knowing if the baby was okay. when i laid down on the paper-covered table this time, there was no excitement, just extreme nervousness and fear. as soon as i saw the little heart beating, my eyes welled up again, this time in such relief. one of his radiology attendings came and took a look, too, and he even said everything looked fine. all morning, the prayer 'please be okay, pinto' just kept running through my head. thank god he is. it's funny how you can love something that is one inch long with your entire heart.

First ultrasound!!!

Mood: Elated

this is kind of a late entry, but the emotions are still the same.

today I will have my first OB appt and r is in miami on an interview. We were kind of sad that we wouldn't be able to see the baby for the first time together, until the humor of his job hit us. he's a radiology resident and has access to ultrasound machines 24/7! duh. so about a week ago, 8 weeks and 1 day into the pregnancy, i surreptitiously snuck into his hospital while he was on call and nervously laid down on the paper-covered table. i was so nervous and excited i was even making small talk with him, which of course he called me out on. our friends, w and d, came with me for moral support (and to share in the excitement) and w held my hand while r set up the machine and put the lubricant on the probe and the probe on my slightly expanded abdomen. all of a sudden there he was. pinto patel. (we'd been jokingly referring to him as pinto for a few days since finding out at 8 weeks he was the size of a pinto bean, and as pinto just sounds like a boy's name, he became a boy that day).

he was beautiful. his beautifully curved head, the little arm and leg buds waving randomly, the slight rise of his abdomen. and then we saw the flutter. his heart was fluttering so fast and gently that it stopped mine. r was holding my hand by then and i squeezed it while tears welled up in my eyes. it had been real before, but at that moment it was REAL. we were both speechless. if you panned out of the room with a wide-angle camera, you'd see two to-be parents with goofy smiles on their faces watching a black and white fuzzy screen, mesmerized. the heart rate was 180, which i thought might be a little fast, but is actually fine. everything about him was fine--the fluid, the sac, the size, the heart, the shape. then the ultrasound tech turned on the speakers and we heard the heartbeat. whoosh whoosh whoosh whoosh. one of the most amazing sounds in the human musical repertoire. it was the sound of health and delicacy and robustness and vulnerability all in one. i fell in love for the second time ever that day. and both times with patels.

what the...?

Mood: Uncomfortable

i can't believe this--i'm going to be seven weeks tomorrow and already i'm gaining weight! you're not supposed to gain weight till the second trimester! admittedly, i have been eating whenever i want if i feel the slightest bit hungry, because feeling hungry makes me feel nauseous, but still! i totally have to watch what i'm eating more. i think i've gained a couple pounds already, which is so ridiculous since the baby is still only the size of a pea. and, to give too much information, i'm always constipated! i try drinking more water (rups even got me the propel power to put in my water bottles), but the more water i drink the more i pee and the more constipated i get. so i'm hungry, nauseous, putting on weight AND constipated. and it's only day 48! this is lovely.

we've even been planning on taking belly pictures, but this first picture was supposed to be me with a flat stomach--i already look three months pregnant because of my constipation! ick!

Shame shame

Mood: Lazy

so i called in sick today. i wasn't REALLY sick, but i just wanted to stay in bed all day. i mean, i did feel a bit nauseous, but really only when i asked myself if i was feeling nauseous. i think we deserve these days once in a while, especially since i'm on call all night tonight and have to work straight into the day tomorrow. okay, enough justifications.

today i am six weeks pregnant. it seems like it should be so much farther along than that! i feel like i've been pregnant forever! these initial three months really are going to be intermineable, eh? lying to friends about why i'm not drinking, not sleeping well, and not seeing the hubby for a month because of all his interviews. :( and of course nowadays i have this intense craving for attention! (not that i don't usually, but now it's even more severe). :) i've had two people in the past week tell me they're pregnant, and i want to just shout out, "me, too!" but i bite my tongue. we're holding out till 12 weeks before we make it public. six more weeks--how am i going to hold back for that long???

superstition come true

mood: not totally fatigued, for once

i just HAD to talk about how i didn't have any nausea, didn't i? well, yesterday i had mild to moderate nausea all day and although it wasn't awful, it did suck. no throwing up, but there were definitely times when i thought i might need to. my mom said she didn't have any morning sickness with either me or my sister, so i was really hoping that was hereditary. i've been trying to keep hydrated because that supposedly mitigates the nausea, but i really dislike water. i mean, REALLY dislike it. there have been days on end (pre-pregnancy) when i wouldn't take a sip of water. now i have to force myself to drink it. milk, on the other hand, i could drink by the gallons (especially light vanilla soymilk...mmmmmm).

i have also been soooo fatigued lately. all i ever want to do is sleep. i slept 11 hours last night and could easily have slept another six. baby must be really living it up inside of me to be using so much energy! for once right now i'm just tired, but not totally knackered, as the british would say.

it seems lately everything is about babies! there are babies, or pictures of babies, or baby talk, or baby showers, or pregnant women everywhere! maybe i am just noticing it more now, but it definitely seems to have picked up. already this summer i have three baby showers (not including mine), a one-year-old birthday party, and high expectations of more friends getting pregnant. i love it!

today as i was walking through the hall at work i found myself patting my belly and saying "i love you already." it felt good. i didn't feel scared saying it, or that i was jinxing anything. i walked into the bathroom and caught a glimpse of myself smiling, which made me smile even wider because i felt unapologetically silly.

barely imperceptible nausea

mood: Hungry

it's so weird to think about what is going on inside my uterus. here's what 'they' say: baby is about the size of a small grain of rice! During the early part of this pregnancy at 5 weeks the central nervous system, muscles, bones and even the heart will begin to form. Early skeletal development is also possible at or around pregnancy week 5. Perhaps the most interesting changes that are occurring during 5 weeks pregnant include those happening in the heart. During this week the heart will begin to divide into separate chambers and start pumping blood. The heart is formed from the middle layer of cells called the mesoderm. Other organs that will develop from this layer include the muscles, cartilage and bone. The primitive placenta and umbilical cord are also developing. The neural tube starts developing in the top layer of cells called the ectoderm. The skin, hair, nails and sweat glands will also develop out of this layer of cells. The lungs, intestines, thyroid and pancreas also develop from a third layer of cells called the endoderm.

wow. the miracle of nature.

i have been DREADING the cover-your-mouth-and-run-to-the-bathroom-in-the-middle-of-a-meeting nausea. it's the side effect of pregnancy i knew i'd be least able to handle with grace. luckily, i've been spared so far (the superstitious part of me is cursing myself for writing that). i've had a super mild barely perceptible nausea that i can sense when i think about it, but if i'm doing something else, i totally forget about it. i haven't had any episodes of emesis, but if i did get nauseous, i would hope to throw up because at least then i'd feel better temporarily. however, i know it is only the beginning, and a lot of women don't get it for another few weeks. i keep having to remind myself: lemon water and crackers. lemon water and crackers.

so i've had two dreams in which i've dreamt i'm having a boy, but when i think about the baby during daytime hours, it's always a girl. i'm not sure what that means. my mother-in-law is insistent that it will be a boy, but i think that's traditional indian wishful thinking. (heck, my parents wanted me to be a boy, and when i wasn't, they REALLY wanted my sister to be a boy.) of course i'll be happy with either a healthy happy baby girl or boy. i just have no experience with little boys. they're just so...foreign! i've never had brothers or nephews or friends who've had boys. the closest i've come is the two little neighbor mexican kids i would babysit in med school, but they liked rups better because he would throw them up in the air (too high if you ask me).

i'm starving, so i'm going out for maki tonight. mmmmmm.....!

My first admitted entry

mood: kinda reserved

so i'm finally starting to believe this could be happening. The pregnancy websites say this is day number 36 and i'm 5 weeks pregnant. (they put an exclamation point at the end). i have 244 days or 34 weeks left, and am 12.9% of the way there.baby's age since conception is 22 days or 3 weeks. i am due on 11/24/2008.

we'd been trying for a few months so when the pregnancy test was positive a couple weeks ago, i honestly didn't quite believe it. i didn't feel happy, i didn't feel sad, i didn't feel anything. it was just two pink lines, one of whom i'd never met before. i wasn't even sure to tell rups because part of me felt it wasn't real.

i'm a little past the non-believing part now, but truthfully, only a little. i'm always tired, my boobs are sore, i eat non-stop, and i get weird intense cramps, but still, sometimes i just keep expecting my period. not that i want it, of course, but i find i involuntarily keep my (happy) emotions in check because otherwise i'd be too vulnerable. at least at this stage. i AM happy, and this IS what i want, but a huge part of me is holding back till the second trimester. i've told my immediate family and a few friends (and a nosy attending who just wouldn't drop it), but otherwise i think i'm keeping it pretty tight-lipped.

two nights ago, i had severe cramps lasting several hours. they were not like menstrual cramps or gas; they were these intense jabs in my lower abdomen and i could only think of the worst. i didn't want to get out of bed and see what i was fearing, so i just laid there and worried all night. i woke up really sad. thankfully, nothing came of it. i didn't get my period and my boobs hurt just as much as ever, which i'm taking to be a good sign. :)

i think this hasn't been the most exciting time yet because i'm so tired all the time, which is actually only partly due to the pregnancy. i've been doing a lot of overnight shifts at work, and working in the busiest psych ER in the country is busy, to put it mildly. some of the shifts i have to do for the residency program, but some of them i've taken on as moonlighting, which i'm going to have to cut down on. between sunday night and thursday night this week, i'll have only spent 75 minutes with rups.it's like having a long-distance relationship in the same house! not really acceptable.

something that does make me smile is that my parents have already started calling each other grandma and grandpa. now that is cute.