My first admitted entry

mood: kinda reserved

so i'm finally starting to believe this could be happening. The pregnancy websites say this is day number 36 and i'm 5 weeks pregnant. (they put an exclamation point at the end). i have 244 days or 34 weeks left, and am 12.9% of the way there.baby's age since conception is 22 days or 3 weeks. i am due on 11/24/2008.

we'd been trying for a few months so when the pregnancy test was positive a couple weeks ago, i honestly didn't quite believe it. i didn't feel happy, i didn't feel sad, i didn't feel anything. it was just two pink lines, one of whom i'd never met before. i wasn't even sure to tell rups because part of me felt it wasn't real.

i'm a little past the non-believing part now, but truthfully, only a little. i'm always tired, my boobs are sore, i eat non-stop, and i get weird intense cramps, but still, sometimes i just keep expecting my period. not that i want it, of course, but i find i involuntarily keep my (happy) emotions in check because otherwise i'd be too vulnerable. at least at this stage. i AM happy, and this IS what i want, but a huge part of me is holding back till the second trimester. i've told my immediate family and a few friends (and a nosy attending who just wouldn't drop it), but otherwise i think i'm keeping it pretty tight-lipped.

two nights ago, i had severe cramps lasting several hours. they were not like menstrual cramps or gas; they were these intense jabs in my lower abdomen and i could only think of the worst. i didn't want to get out of bed and see what i was fearing, so i just laid there and worried all night. i woke up really sad. thankfully, nothing came of it. i didn't get my period and my boobs hurt just as much as ever, which i'm taking to be a good sign. :)

i think this hasn't been the most exciting time yet because i'm so tired all the time, which is actually only partly due to the pregnancy. i've been doing a lot of overnight shifts at work, and working in the busiest psych ER in the country is busy, to put it mildly. some of the shifts i have to do for the residency program, but some of them i've taken on as moonlighting, which i'm going to have to cut down on. between sunday night and thursday night this week, i'll have only spent 75 minutes with rups.it's like having a long-distance relationship in the same house! not really acceptable.

something that does make me smile is that my parents have already started calling each other grandma and grandpa. now that is cute.