full-term sounds a little scarier than it is. it means i'm 37 weeks today and if i go into labor, the OB won't do anything to stop it because the baby's lungs are most likely mature enough to breathe on his own. BT weights about 6 1/3 pounds and measures a bit over 19 inches, head to heel (like a stalk of Swiss chard). he doesn't have the peach fuzz visible on the ultrasound like rani did, so maybe he won't be as much of a benjamin franklin as a kojak when he's born.
i was awakened at 4:30 this morning with a lot of cramping. after an hour of trying to ignore it hoping it was just hunger pangs, i realized i may be having a contraction. it's funny how i've forgotten what such intense pain could mean! it's now 5:45 AM and while waiting out the contraction,
i've eaten a bowl of cocoa puffs, downloaded all the pictures and recharged my camera in preparation, and started thinking of what i need to put in my hospital bag. yes, i'm a planner and am shocked at myself for not already having a hospital bag packed, but it was on the 'to do' list for today!
i cannot believe little BT is going to be here as early as a few days (or a few weeks) from now. it's amazing, but i'm scared. scared like i never was with rani. i'm nervous about labor, about having two kids, about being a good mom when i'm pulled in so many different directions. before rani was here, i didn't worry about the domestic side of my life--i figured it would just unfurl itself on its own with minimal need for dedicated cogitation.
i didn't think about setting up life insurance policies, or how to logistically fit a toddler, a newborn, my mom (who will be helping us out the first few months) and both of us into a two bedroom condo. i didn't check out kiddie events in parent magazines, or have a camcorder as a third arm, or have a hyped up sense of arousal when i saw a kid swinging too high on the swing. double strollers were just things that got in my way in elevators, and the only kind of pump i knew about was the kind i filled my tires with.
the entire axis of my world is shifting again, and it seems that having two kids only cements the loose gravel left over from the tectonic rumblings of one. i'm so happy about BT coming, but even after i start working again, i will truly transform into the quintessential soccer mom. happily. i'm okay with the minivan, the shoebox dioramas, the chaperoned trips to the museum. i'm excited about parent- teacher conferences and helping with music lessons. i cannot WAIT to teach them how to read! rani already recognizes most of the letters of the alphabet and has several of her books memorized, which makes me so proud, AND she sits on her potty and peruses car and driver magazine, which lifts rups' sense of accomplishment to an all-time high.
so it's almost 6:30 in the morning and the cramping has completely stopped. my first false contraction (as opposed to the hundreds of braxton-hicks contractions i've been having for the past month). so much for early contractions and a halloween baby. BT is supposed to be a november baby like rani and me, anyway.
a few hours later: i just came back from my weekly OB visit, and she said since the cramping lasted so long, it was probably more a muscle spasm than a contraction. AND she said the second baby usually comes later than the first. wha...??? i am going to be ready after this weekend, so BT and i cut a deal that if he came between november 1st and 6th (rather than the 16th like he's scheduled to), i would resist putting him in the vast majority of rani's pink clothes. in fact, he was the one that suggested this compromise, so i have no doubt he'll follow through. otherwise, there are some very cute pink homecoming hats i've got prepared... i wonder if they make pink wee blockers.
BT will be here in six weeks. really?? he's 34 weeks "old" right now but already i feel like a breadstick tied to a watermelon. one that looks and feels exhausted and hasn't combed her hair in two days. and by the looks of these pictures, i could stand to do some laundry. (no comments, please).
i just got back from doing a just-for-fun ultrasound at rups' hospital, where the super sweet ultrasound tech did a full exam and printed out several pictures. BT weighs 4 pounds, 13 ounces (+/- 12 ounces) as of this morning. the last couple months, they grow half a pound a week; at this rate, he'll be about 7-8 pounds when i deliver. rani was 6 pounds and the delivery went fine, but i'm a little nervous about popping out this 'big' baby of mine. i don't know how women deliver 9 and 10 pound babies! or twins!hats off to them.
BT definitely has rups' profile with the prominent, i mean aristocratic, nose and all. rups insists it's just shadowing artifact from the ultrasound, but i'm not convinced. artifact in the exact same place in 6 out of 6 pictures? he's a typical boy--he had no patience for posing for pictures--he kept waving his hand in front of his face as if to say, "yeah, yeah, are you done yet?". huh...maybe he had something better to do. he's the weight of an average cantaloupe, and is about 18 inches long. his fat layers are filling out so his skin is smoother and less-alien like.
i feel a little less anxious because a baby born at 34 weeks with no other problems usually does as well as full-term babies. i'm all about superstition, though, so i want him sitting and jumping in there as long as he wants, which better be at least 38 weeks.
as usual, there's a ridiculous amount of stuff going on with us: rani turns 2 in six weeks (for two days, i'll have "2 under 2"), rups just ran his 5th marathon and got one of his best times ever, we're all moved back into our milwaukee condo, we picked out a nanny for the baby and a "school" for rani, and after almost 32 years, i've finally developed an addiction. internet shopping. it's awesome! you don't have to leave the house, you can do it late at night, you don't have to pay tax or shipping if you're savvy, and there are, sigh, coupon codes everywhere! i have bought everything from diapers to jewelry to winter boots to a 2 TB external hard drive to a futon mattress, all in the last week! all stuff we needed, of course. and cheaper than if i'd gone to the store! rups says i need to get a job just so i don't spend the salary i would be making on internet shopping. sadly, i agree with him.
so the job hunt is going to start next week. i'm thinking i'll give myself my three-four month maternity leave, so i'll start working again in march. i'm already feeling so tired all the time (just looking at the pics of myself makes me feel tired all over again) that i can't even imagine working right now, but i miss it. it's been a year and though it's been fun, i'm not cut out for being a full-time stay-at-home-mom, no matter how challenging it is!
the top two pics were taken tonight (30 weeks) and yes, my shirt does say "everyone loves a pregnant chick". at this point, i am not beyond cheesy puns if the shirt is comfortable. the bottom two were during our hawaii babymoon last month, so i was 26 weeks at the time. rani is kissing the baby in one of the pictures--she also tries looking for him through my belly button. :)
BT has been doing externally visible somersaults in me for about a month now, and every time the alien invasion picks up speed, rani stares with rapture. or confusion. BT is about 15.7 inches long now and weighs almost 3 pounds (about a head of cabbage). his eyesight still is consistent with legally blind status, but it's developing. we got rani a big magnetic easel yesterday, and for fun i spelled out the boy name we are thinking of with rainbow-colored magnetic letters. it looked right and it felt right, and when rups got home from work, he first smiled at my flight into toddlerhood and then agreed that the name just fit. so i think we have a name. it's not a cutesy rhyming name with rani, it's not very common (we actually thought we'd made it up but it turns out that though it's rare, it does exist), and it's something westerners can pronounce. i hope. the nickname is a unisex name, but those are all the hints you're getting. oh, and it does not start with x, y, or z.
since i'm planning on returning to work a few months after BT arrives, the nanny search has begun. we really liked our first interviewee, but figured we should interview a few more before handing over our babies to her. the second one called to confirm a couple hours before the interview and didn't even show up! no phone call, no email, no response to my voicemail messages hoping she was okay, nothing!! i worried about her all weekend, but then saw that she checked her nanny profile monday so i wrote a very candid one-star review about her not showing up for the interview. other parents should know! we have about three more interviews and then we'll make a decision. kinda nervous--rani's never had someone other than family watch her for more than a couple hours, and even then, a friend watched her just the one time! now i have to hand over my three month old to a stranger...that's going to be hard. any of you want to move to milwaukee and be our full-time nanny?
as for the pregnancy, i'm heavier, i'm clumsier, and i knock over things with my stomach and my butt, of which i used to know the proportions but have long since lost track of. supposedly the clumsiness can be attributed to my new center of gravity, but i don't think that explains the shelf-a**. i do have to say, though, that i think rups is a pretty darn lucky guy. i haven't had any mood swings, crazy cravings, or ridiculous demands that i insist he cater to within four seconds. except for the fact that i may be buying a few maternity clothes this pregnancy, our lives are pretty much the same. our weekends are still ridiculously busy, i still let him go running in the evenings even when toddler-rearing is the most hectic, and i stay up with him to catch up on entourage.
i am getting more excited than i was at the beginning of this pregnancy, which is great. some of the excitement that was wrapped into reading reviews and buying baby stuff is lost, though, since we have pretty much everything we need from rani's first year. i did, however, just buy a double stroller (for the amount of double strollers nowadays, you'd think they'd require car insurance!) which was fun and exciting as far as stroller shopping goes. :) we even went to REI between a wedding and reception this weekend (yes, i checked out strollers while rocking full indian garb replete with sari, bindi and bangles) to test drive them. let's hope the BOB revolution is as revolutionary as it claims to be.
i've already done BT's laundry but we still have several carfuls of baby items (bouncer, activity gym, infant car seat, etc) to bring from niles to milwaukee. he's going to have to deal with some pink fluffy items--they're still perfectly manly if you ask me.
other than that, life is good. we're back in our condo in milwaukee, rups is liking his new job, i'll begin searching for my dream job soon, and i'm just taking it as easy as i can before my life changes dramatically. again.
this little boy growing inside me is 23 utero weeks old and supposedly has a sense of movement that's well enough developed that he can feel me dance. that is really unfortunate for him. he's more than 11 inches long and weighs just over a pound, which is the size of a large mango (and the amount of lasagna i ate last night). he can hear now, and i'm sure what he hears most loudly is rani. she's always saying things like "baby kick" and "baby kiss", which are very cute, but these are interspersed between the more vociferous "no rice!!!" and "bicycle!!!" and when he hears her, he kicks. i said it before and i'll say it again, this boy is a ridiculously strong kicker. what the heck, he's the size of a mango! how can he kick so hard?? lately he starts around 4 pm and goes till midnight, which cuts down my cinnamon bun sleep time to about 6 hours total.
i started with my new OB in milwaukee, someone i chose randomly from the providers' website. my criteria: female. no offense to male OBs, but the thought of a guy being so personal is just kind of weird. she was friendly and approachable, and unlike in chicago, there was absolutely no wait time at the clinic, which i forgot was even an option. there was free valet parking and the staff were super nice. really? what was the catch? i found out...apparently the hospital i'll be delivering at is the hospital version of motel 6 in regards to aesthetics. it's got the best nicu and emergency services in the downtown area, but instead of rothkos on the wall, it has disproportionate seagulls; instead of mahogany banisters, it's got light colored laminate plastic. all of which i'm fine with as long as i don't have to deliver in a triage room like i did last time when the other fancy-schmancy hospital was full. i even worked there as a resident at one point! hmph.
so now for the news all my girlfriends are going to be secretly ecstatic to hear: at this halfway point i've already gained the amount of weight i gained in my entire last pregnancy. sixteen pounds. and counting. if i keep on track and gain a pound a week, i'll be up 33 pounds by the end. i might actually have to start working out after this delivery. then again...a toddler, a newborn, looking for a new house, and going back to work? i think that might do the job for me.
here's a prego pic and a 3D ultrasound at 20 weeks. it's so odd--we're looking at BT's face, the one i won't see in person for another five months! he looks like rups to me. shouldn't at least one of my kids look like me???
well, technically, last week was halfway at 20 weeks, but as the recent move from chicago to milwaukee usurped all our free time and energy (along with my surreptitious speedreading of the twilight series), i am writing this as i start my 21st week. BT (baby tony's blog nickname, because tony must not stick) weighs about three-quarters of a pound and is approximately 10.5 inches long — the length of a carrot. he was a poppy seed at 4 weeks, a kidney bean at 8 weeks, a lime at 12 weeks and an avocado at 16 weeks. and now he's a carrot. i guess food is the universal standard of measurement, even in medicine (cherry hemangiomas, adam's apples, popcorn calcifications, cauliflower ears--you get the picture).
he is a real kicker, too. just this year i got into the world cup, despite living in manchester, england in 1999 when manchester united won the european cup. let me just say, this boy is going to be a striker. i received dubious looks when i said i could feel him kick at 14 weeks, but he seriously is practicing to be a soccer player already. rups felt him kick for the first time last week, and just like with rani, his whole face just lit up. even rani runs over to my stomach and says "baby kick". of course i exaggerate the kick immensely (or even sometimes make them up) for her pleasure. just like rani, he also likes to kick mostly at night. i was afraid after the first pregnancy that she'd have day-night confusion and be up all night, but she's been a fantastic sleeper, so i don't think kicking habits are that predictive of sleeping patterns.
right on cue, this is the time in my pregnancies that i forget i'm pregnant. there are no more weird cravings, no food or smell aversions, no midday exhaustion, i'm not big enough to need help getting off the couch, and i can still carry rani easily. people are becoming slightly more comfortable asking if i'm pregnant, but there's still that hesitant pause right before they ask while they think, "but what if she's not? then i'm just an ass." there's still some difficulty finding a good position to sleep in, but i've dug up the enormous cinnamon bun pregnancy pillow that oddly enough contorts my body into a comfortable position long enough for me at get at least 4 hours straight.
one thing we've been thinking about more are names. girl names were so easy, but we are stumped on boy names. we have one tentative name picked out, but this is my invitation to you guys to send in recommendations. nothing outlandish, and nothing that will mark my son as a laughing stock as soon as the name is said by an english speaker (eg, viral, hardik, aanal, etc). sadly, we all know the sorrows of people with those names. it has to be original since his last name will be patel, so don't offer names like amit or sameer! it doesn't have to be indian, but i'm thinking it shouldn't really be bob or harry, either (and we've got tony covered, thanks).
so now i've got a lot of free time on my hands. we just finished our move to milwaukee a couple days ago so rani and i just hang out all day. i do have to admit, moving back to milwaukee was much more pleasant than i thought it would be. i forgot what a large city it is, and how much there is to do here. just taking a walk with rups and rani yesterday evening, we ran into a few different people we'd known in our past lives here, and they were so happy we were moving back. we were genuinely happy to see them, too, and already have a playdate lined up with another baby and a puppy. to be honest, it does get a bit boring for rani and me during the day, especially as we don't know many people for playdates or pool parties, it's too hot to spend much time at the park or beach, and all her toys are in storage in rups' parents' basement. she's getting more attached to me, i can tell, and actually wants to hold my hand now instead of wanting to do everything on her own. i bet it's just a phase.
i'm trying to post some pics, but this website is being diffult. i'll keep trying.
"it's a boy!" i repeated. rups and i looked at each other with big smiles on our faces, the same smiles that would have been there had it been a girl. wow, a little boy. i knew it all along, but just hearing it was strange. rups couldn't stop smiling. the tech pointed out the proof on the screen--yup, it was a boy all right. many people choose to wait till the birth of the baby to find out it's sex, and i totally respect that. to me, though, getting the huge surprise now, when i'm energetic, and awake, and can hug everyone immediately, is still just as much a surprise as finding out later, and a heck of a lot less draining.
rups hugged rani a bit tighter and i couldn't stop staring at her for some reason. every development made her seem less and less of our only baby. "rani, you're having a little brother! what is his name?" we asked jokingly. in all seriousness, rani stated "tony." what?? tony? we asked her again. again she said "tony". now rani has never said the word tony in her life. we don't know anyone named tony, there is no one with the name of tony in her show 'sid the science kid' and none of her stuffed animals bear that moniker. where she got tony from we don't know, but for now, we will nickname this kid tony (at least in the blog).
our parents and sisters were, of course, ecstatic, but i think even they were less than impressed with the name tony. had rani said "raj" or "chandu" maybe they would have adopted it immediately, but tony? yeah, we'll come up with a different name...
so now we're having a little boy and i'm putting off thinking of all that entails. what do i do with a boy? i come from a family of girls, i have a girl, i AM a girl. i get girls. so to have a little boy growing inside me is almost foreign. exciting, but foreign. the rows of pretty dresses lining rani's closet are going to be packed away in more than temporary boxes, the little ribbons and sandals will follow, and with all the girly things i put away, i know i'm going to feel like i'm losing my little tiny sweet baby girl. i'm going to leave the pink bears and pink boppy out, though. hey, even rani wore blue sometimes! when the baby boy (tony) comes, i know all the adoration i thought i had packed away will come pouring back out, along with little blue clothes, and more trucks, and sporting equipment and baseball caps. (i have all those things for rani already, but what else do you get for boys?)
so now you have it, we're having baby tony patel. i have a feeling this journey is going to be just as exciting as the last one.
you waited this long, a few more minutes of reading won't hurt.
as i was driving to my ultrasound yesterday morning, i felt this sense of nervous excitement i hadn't felt in a long time. i haven't been on time to a doctor's appointment in the last three years, but this time, even with rani in tow, i was there way ahead of time. driving down martin luther king drive to the university of chicago hospital, i was hyperaware of all the happy details of my surroundings. the way the old mansions lining the south side of chicago held a faded glory, and how happily the crossing guard waved hello, and how even the unplanted flowers sneaking up through the abandoned lots boasted a vibrancy i hadn't noticed before. washington park seemed greener than i had ever seen it (probably because of the relentless rain the last few days) and pedestrians even chose to forego jaywalking right in front of my car. little girls skipped on their way to school and i couldn't help but think that could be my new little one in a few years. little boys raced each other down the sidewalk, and i thought there could be my little boy. this entire pregnancy, i've felt this baby is going to be a boy, which of course i'll be happy about, but then i already know how happy a little girl would make me, even the second time around.
rups joined me for the ultrasound, and as the tech put the warm gel on my stomach and reached for the probe, rani let out a loud protest from his lap. she thought the tech was hurting me, and was going to do everything to stop her from continuing. but even our ranya, so vocal and boisterous, sat still as the image of the baby came up on the screen.
the tech asked if we wanted to know what the sex of the baby was. in unison, or maybe only in my head, i exclaimed "yes!". and she said...
it's so funny how you can forget some of the most important feelings you've ever had. i'd forgotten how gently babies kick when you first start feeling them inside you. when the little bell pepper inside me (that's how big he is at 18 weeks) stretches his legs, it's as if he's fluttering butterfly wings in the air against me--soft and delicate, yet detectable and always pleasantly surprising. he weighs only 7 ounces (the amount of milk in my cereal this morning), but already he's so hugely present in our lives.
i don't know if it's a boy or girl, but i'll use 'he' for the sake of convenience. it's strange to think he's already got a full circulatory system, and if he's a girl (odd statement), the uterus and fallopian tubes are formed and in place. this week he will start hearing; i better stop swearing. :) he seems more scientifically based this time, whereas with rani, she was pure emotion. yesterday we hung out with friends that had kids about two years apart, and it was fascinating to see just how different their personalities were, even in the younger toddler. given that both my babies will be scorpios, i can only imagine they will both be passionate and headstrong and driven, but beyond that, it's anyone's guess.
i never usually talk about what i wish for my kids, but i think these daydreams i have are pretty universal. i dream that this baby will be smart, and adorable, and clever. he'll have rups' mouth and my eyes. he'll make us laugh till our sides hurt and we are gasping for air, but he'll also make us cry with pride. he'll take care of his big sister with ferocity but always put his full competitive effort into basketball games with her. he'll learn how to cook so well that by fifteen years old i will prefer his cooking to any restaurant. he'll be able to sing and dance (where he'll get that from, i don't know) and play music that hypnotizes me. he'll love to travel and bombard me with tales of journeys that will leave me shaking my head in wonder. he'll get along with everyone, from Yale-going turtleneckers to NASCAR-loving tanktoppers. he'll be kind, and generous, and levelheaded. most of all, when i look into his eyes fifty years from now, i'll still see reflected back the spark of happiness that i see on day one.
welcome, second trimester! no more sleeping at random daytime hours due to sheer exhaustion. my energy is returning in leaps and bounds and my appetite is back to normal (i crave sweets again!). the baby is now the size of an avocado: 4 1/2 inches long (head to rump) and 3 1/2 ounces. his/her eyes have moved closer to the front of the head and his/her ears are close to their final position, too. he/she has even started growing toenails. supposedly over the next couple weeks the weight will double! apparently, that is happening to me, too.
i thought the rule was to never ask someone if they were pregnant unless they actually saw the baby's head coming out. i'm only four months along--why am i getting asked already when i'm due??? by people i have not even told i'm pregnant?? two moms in rani's playgroup and one of their nannies independently asked me last week. what if i'd just grown a bit of a gut lately? granted, they'd seen me regularly for the past year and so know what i normally look like, but still! i've only gained about 9 pounds; you'd think someone had inflated me with an air mattress pump. i don't know whether to revel in my prego-ness or be insulted that i'm being asked that question so early! with rani, i didn't really start showing till almost six months, and even at seven months, people were surprised to hear i was expecting. i guess it's true that you show earlier the second time around. what if there's a third? i'll be asked before i even know i'm pregnant!
we find out the sex of the baby in about two weeks. right now, i'm feeling it is a boy, but i thought rani might be a boy in the very beginning, too. to answer your question, i will be happy with either a girl or boy. if it's a girl, rani will have a sister (which, in my experience, is one of the greatest gifts in the world), and if it's a boy, the pressure is off to have a third. :) rups loves rani beyond measure, but let's face it--he's a guy's guy and wants a son at some point.
rani is really getting into the big sister role. if we ask her where the baby is, she'll run over to my stomach and give it a pat and a kiss. i can't wait to see her as a big sister. she thinks kids younger than her are boring, but hopefully that will change when she becomes mommy's helper. she also thinks all babies are named cici (her 8 month old cousin). this will be interesting and i'm sure, hilarious. i wonder if she'll be the kind of older sister that throws stuffed animals at the baby, or pushes it over just to see it fall, or regresses back to wanting her diaper changed all the time. somehow i think she's going to be more helpful, but either way, i know the jealousy is going to kick in soon...
we had an ultrasound today to pinpoint a due date, and as of today i am 9 weeks, 3 days pregnant. the baby is due november 16, 2010. two days before rani turns two, and five days after i turn 32!
ultrasounds are such a funny thing. they give everyone a glimpse into a pretty private world and a life that hasn't yet begun, at least not in our world. it feels almost voyeuristic to observe someone sleeping or moving, or just being, and having such an emotional response. it's our baby, and we created her, i know, but she's her own entity now and it seems strange to look at her through skin and fat and muscle and fluid. i can't touch her, but i can see the shape of her nose, and the rise of her belly and the curvature of her head. it's a little unnerving, but at the same time, utterly amazing.
seeing the little munchkin on the screen really hit home. it all felt so much more real (not that the extreme exhaustion and the tossing and turning at night don't feel real)! just seeing the heartbeat, the undulating arms and legs, the slow turns of the head--it was all suddenly not just a vague baby in the future. rups being there was also incredibly important. half the excitement for me is seeing the excitement in him. he's already a fantastic father; i know he'll just be doubly fantastic the second time around.
when i was pregnant with rani, i don't remember feeling this exhausted. or lethargic. or just having this general sense of malaise. it's, to exaggerate slightly, so debilitating! there's this overall feeling of tiredness that turbans my head throughout the day, and then just unravels into a light fog at night. i don't have straight up morning sickness, but the last couple nights i've had 2-minute periods of real nausea when i sprint to the bathroom in terror, but which resolve into nothingness.
i have to take 2-3 naps a day, without fail. luckily, i'm at home right now studying for my board exams so there's always a bed conveniently beckoning to me. unluckily, i still have to get up and make up time i lost studying. rani is at the nanny's during the day, where her portuguese is coming along nicely. she can understand a fair amount of it, and it's so cute when she points to her sippy cup and asks for agua, or responds to some incomprehensible verbage coming out of the nanny's mouth with a lion's roar!
i'm avoiding what i really want to talk about.
for some unfathomable reason, i'm just not excited about this pregnancy the way i was about the first. i feel guilty about that, especially since it was planned and wanted. i no longer feel the need to shout it from the treetops, i'm not looking for cute maternity clothes, and worst of all, i don't daydream about the baby. i don't have a preference about it being a boy or girl and the thought of breastfeeding for another year makes me just a little nauseous.
it's not that i don't care, because i do. i just wonder if it was too soon. rani will be 2 when the baby is born and i'll be 32, so it's not really that soon, but every time she plops into my lap to read a book or jumps on rups' stomach in playfulness, i wonder if we're cheating her out of something by dividing our attention. or, if we are still going to pay as much attention to her because she's more active, are we somehow going to jip the baby? i'm afraid i won't have the energy i do now, and that i will never end up going back to work, and that all of the studying i've been doing the past ten years will have been for naught. i'm afraid we won't travel anymore, and that i won't have time to write the way i've always wanted to, and that all i'll be able to talk about is kids. no!!!!! that will not be my life, it just can't be.
i should talk to my friends who have two kids and see how they felt, but i'm waiting till three months. only two months to go.
the few hours that were supposed to be just mine were really only a few minutes. now i want to tell everybody. i went grocery shopping right after i found out and almost told a lady standing next to me perusing the cheese. then i almost told the woman with the expensive stroller who smiled at me because i smiled at her baby. i really almost told the pharmacist who was going over prenatal vitamins with me (don't worry, i started them a month ago in anticipation), and then i almost told my friend wendy on the phone but thank goodness the signal faded. of course then i almost spilled it to our doorman who'd told me i should ideally have kids two years apart, which they will happen to be. when will rups get home from work??? argh! all our chicago family members are coming over today because it is rups' dad's birthday. if rups is cool with it and over the surprise himself, i'm going to announce it then and then we'll all call my parents in florida.
and then i don't get to tell anyone for three months. seriously, i think that's the hardest part of the first trimester. harder than the midday exhaustion, the random cravings and aversions, the lack of wine, specialty cheeses, and coffee (well, that's a close one). i want to tell everyone (because clearly everyone would be as thrilled as me) :) because it's the one piece of news that makes everyone smile.
this post is written for me and only me at this moment, but as i know i'll share it with close family and friends in a few months time, i suppose i'll write for a wider audience.
ranya is going to be sixteen months old in a few days. wow, sixteen months! how the time has raced by. everyone says kids grow up so fast, but no one talks about how they make the parents grow up, too. i just read the last entry before she was born, and i seemed so excited, so novice, so young. i thought 'BG' would change my life and everything would come up smelling like roses.
well, it has. rani is the most amazing person i have ever met, and to know that i am related to her humbles me. i know that sounds weird, given that she's not even two and she's my daughter, but there's something about her that leaves me awestruck. she's so vibrant, and funny, and intense; she has these searching eyes that decipher exactly what i'm thinking when i'm thinking it. i have a feeling she's definitely been here before. she gets things, you know? i can't explain it any more than that. perhaps all children get things, but i wouldn't know any better.
but i will soon...
i just found out i am three weeks pregnant! i feel the same as i did when i found out last time. i'm happy, but cautiously so. i allowed myself to eat a fun-sized snickers bar, but not a whole one. i'm writing this post before i've even told rups (i'll tell him in person when he gets home from work) and so for these few hours, this pregnancy is mine and mine alone. well, and my little bundle of cells that is rapidly multiplying as we speak. mine to dream up silly names for, and mine to wish for all the things that i won't say aloud.
but funny, one major thought i had was, 'i'm sorry, rani'. i feel sorry that in one tumultuous day, i'm going to take away the full attention of her parents. she's so unsuspecting that her wonderful life will change and that she'll have to share us. i just want to make sure that she always feels as loved and wanted as she does now, and that a new baby won't replace her in the slightest. a friend who had a second baby commented during the second baby's early days that she wasn't sure she loved #2 as much as #1 yet. i wonder if i'll feel that way. even this blog entry, which was supposed to be about my pregnancy with baby #2 has been mostly about rani. well, right now she is my world. but my world (and soon my belly) is constantly expanding.
