not feeling the same as last time

when i was pregnant with rani, i don't remember feeling this exhausted. or lethargic. or just having this general sense of malaise. it's, to exaggerate slightly, so debilitating! there's this overall feeling of tiredness that turbans my head throughout the day, and then just unravels into a light fog at night. i don't have straight up morning sickness, but the last couple nights i've had 2-minute periods of real nausea when i sprint to the bathroom in terror, but which resolve into nothingness.

i have to take 2-3 naps a day, without fail. luckily, i'm at home right now studying for my board exams so there's always a bed conveniently beckoning to me. unluckily, i still have to get up and make up time i lost studying. rani is at the nanny's during the day, where her portuguese is coming along nicely. she can understand a fair amount of it, and it's so cute when she points to her sippy cup and asks for agua, or responds to some incomprehensible verbage coming out of the nanny's mouth with a lion's roar!



i'm avoiding what i really want to talk about.

for some unfathomable reason, i'm just not excited about this pregnancy the way i was about the first. i feel guilty about that, especially since it was planned and wanted. i no longer feel the need to shout it from the treetops, i'm not looking for cute maternity clothes, and worst of all, i don't daydream about the baby. i don't have a preference about it being a boy or girl and the thought of breastfeeding for another year makes me just a little nauseous.

it's not that i don't care, because i do. i just wonder if it was too soon. rani will be 2 when the baby is born and i'll be 32, so it's not really that soon, but every time she plops into my lap to read a book or jumps on rups' stomach in playfulness, i wonder if we're cheating her out of something by dividing our attention. or, if we are still going to pay as much attention to her because she's more active, are we somehow going to jip the baby? i'm afraid i won't have the energy i do now, and that i will never end up going back to work, and that all of the studying i've been doing the past ten years will have been for naught. i'm afraid we won't travel anymore, and that i won't have time to write the way i've always wanted to, and that all i'll be able to talk about is kids. no!!!!! that will not be my life, it just can't be.

i should talk to my friends who have two kids and see how they felt, but i'm waiting till three months. only two months to go.