Butterflies in my stomach

it's so funny how you can forget some of the most important feelings you've ever had. i'd forgotten how gently babies kick when you first start feeling them inside you. when the little bell pepper inside me (that's how big he is at 18 weeks) stretches his legs, it's as if he's fluttering butterfly wings in the air against me--soft and delicate, yet detectable and always pleasantly surprising. he weighs only 7 ounces (the amount of milk in my cereal this morning), but already he's so hugely present in our lives.

i don't know if it's a boy or girl, but i'll use 'he' for the sake of convenience. it's strange to think he's already got a full circulatory system, and if he's a girl (odd statement), the uterus and fallopian tubes are formed and in place. this week he will start hearing; i better stop swearing. :) he seems more scientifically based this time, whereas with rani, she was pure emotion. yesterday we hung out with friends that had kids about two years apart, and it was fascinating to see just how different their personalities were, even in the younger toddler. given that both my babies will be scorpios, i can only imagine they will both be passionate and headstrong and driven, but beyond that, it's anyone's guess.

i never usually talk about what i wish for my kids, but i think these daydreams i have are pretty universal. i dream that this baby will be smart, and adorable, and clever. he'll have rups' mouth and my eyes. he'll make us laugh till our sides hurt and we are gasping for air, but he'll also make us cry with pride. he'll take care of his big sister with ferocity but always put his full competitive effort into basketball games with her. he'll learn how to cook so well that by fifteen years old i will prefer his cooking to any restaurant. he'll be able to sing and dance (where he'll get that from, i don't know) and play music that hypnotizes me. he'll love to travel and bombard me with tales of journeys that will leave me shaking my head in wonder. he'll get along with everyone, from Yale-going turtleneckers to NASCAR-loving tanktoppers. he'll be kind, and generous, and levelheaded. most of all, when i look into his eyes fifty years from now, i'll still see reflected back the spark of happiness that i see on day one.

Second trimester

welcome, second trimester! no more sleeping at random daytime hours due to sheer exhaustion. my energy is returning in leaps and bounds and my appetite is back to normal (i crave sweets again!). the baby is now the size of an avocado: 4 1/2 inches long (head to rump) and 3 1/2 ounces. his/her eyes have moved closer to the front of the head and his/her ears are close to their final position, too. he/she has even started growing toenails. supposedly over the next couple weeks the weight will double! apparently, that is happening to me, too.

i thought the rule was to never ask someone if they were pregnant unless they actually saw the baby's head coming out. i'm only four months along--why am i getting asked already when i'm due??? by people i have not even told i'm pregnant?? two moms in rani's playgroup and one of their nannies independently asked me last week. what if i'd just grown a bit of a gut lately? granted, they'd seen me regularly for the past year and so know what i normally look like, but still! i've only gained about 9 pounds; you'd think someone had inflated me with an air mattress pump. i don't know whether to revel in my prego-ness or be insulted that i'm being asked that question so early! with rani, i didn't really start showing till almost six months, and even at seven months, people were surprised to hear i was expecting. i guess it's true that you show earlier the second time around. what if there's a third? i'll be asked before i even know i'm pregnant!

we find out the sex of the baby in about two weeks. right now, i'm feeling it is a boy, but i thought rani might be a boy in the very beginning, too. to answer your question, i will be happy with either a girl or boy. if it's a girl, rani will have a sister (which, in my experience, is one of the greatest gifts in the world), and if it's a boy, the pressure is off to have a third. :) rups loves rani beyond measure, but let's face it--he's a guy's guy and wants a son at some point.

rani is really getting into the big sister role. if we ask her where the baby is, she'll run over to my stomach and give it a pat and a kiss. i can't wait to see her as a big sister. she thinks kids younger than her are boring, but hopefully that will change when she becomes mommy's helper. she also thinks all babies are named cici (her 8 month old cousin). this will be interesting and i'm sure, hilarious. i wonder if she'll be the kind of older sister that throws stuffed animals at the baby, or pushes it over just to see it fall, or regresses back to wanting her diaper changed all the time. somehow i think she's going to be more helpful, but either way, i know the jealousy is going to kick in soon...

First ultrasound!

we had an ultrasound today to pinpoint a due date, and as of today i am 9 weeks, 3 days pregnant. the baby is due november 16, 2010. two days before rani turns two, and five days after i turn 32!

ultrasounds are such a funny thing. they give everyone a glimpse into a pretty private world and a life that hasn't yet begun, at least not in our world. it feels almost voyeuristic to observe someone sleeping or moving, or just being, and having such an emotional response. it's our baby, and we created her, i know, but she's her own entity now and it seems strange to look at her through skin and fat and muscle and fluid. i can't touch her, but i can see the shape of her nose, and the rise of her belly and the curvature of her head. it's a little unnerving, but at the same time, utterly amazing.

seeing the little munchkin on the screen really hit home. it all felt so much more real (not that the extreme exhaustion and the tossing and turning at night don't feel real)! just seeing the heartbeat, the undulating arms and legs, the slow turns of the head--it was all suddenly not just a vague baby in the future. rups being there was also incredibly important. half the excitement for me is seeing the excitement in him. he's already a fantastic father; i know he'll just be doubly fantastic the second time around.

not feeling the same as last time

when i was pregnant with rani, i don't remember feeling this exhausted. or lethargic. or just having this general sense of malaise. it's, to exaggerate slightly, so debilitating! there's this overall feeling of tiredness that turbans my head throughout the day, and then just unravels into a light fog at night. i don't have straight up morning sickness, but the last couple nights i've had 2-minute periods of real nausea when i sprint to the bathroom in terror, but which resolve into nothingness.

i have to take 2-3 naps a day, without fail. luckily, i'm at home right now studying for my board exams so there's always a bed conveniently beckoning to me. unluckily, i still have to get up and make up time i lost studying. rani is at the nanny's during the day, where her portuguese is coming along nicely. she can understand a fair amount of it, and it's so cute when she points to her sippy cup and asks for agua, or responds to some incomprehensible verbage coming out of the nanny's mouth with a lion's roar!



i'm avoiding what i really want to talk about.

for some unfathomable reason, i'm just not excited about this pregnancy the way i was about the first. i feel guilty about that, especially since it was planned and wanted. i no longer feel the need to shout it from the treetops, i'm not looking for cute maternity clothes, and worst of all, i don't daydream about the baby. i don't have a preference about it being a boy or girl and the thought of breastfeeding for another year makes me just a little nauseous.

it's not that i don't care, because i do. i just wonder if it was too soon. rani will be 2 when the baby is born and i'll be 32, so it's not really that soon, but every time she plops into my lap to read a book or jumps on rups' stomach in playfulness, i wonder if we're cheating her out of something by dividing our attention. or, if we are still going to pay as much attention to her because she's more active, are we somehow going to jip the baby? i'm afraid i won't have the energy i do now, and that i will never end up going back to work, and that all of the studying i've been doing the past ten years will have been for naught. i'm afraid we won't travel anymore, and that i won't have time to write the way i've always wanted to, and that all i'll be able to talk about is kids. no!!!!! that will not be my life, it just can't be.

i should talk to my friends who have two kids and see how they felt, but i'm waiting till three months. only two months to go.

almost spilt it in the cheese aisle

the few hours that were supposed to be just mine were really only a few minutes. now i want to tell everybody. i went grocery shopping right after i found out and almost told a lady standing next to me perusing the cheese. then i almost told the woman with the expensive stroller who smiled at me because i smiled at her baby. i really almost told the pharmacist who was going over prenatal vitamins with me (don't worry, i started them a month ago in anticipation), and then i almost told my friend wendy on the phone but thank goodness the signal faded. of course then i almost spilled it to our doorman who'd told me i should ideally have kids two years apart, which they will happen to be. when will rups get home from work??? argh! all our chicago family members are coming over today because it is rups' dad's birthday. if rups is cool with it and over the surprise himself, i'm going to announce it then and then we'll all call my parents in florida.

and then i don't get to tell anyone for three months. seriously, i think that's the hardest part of the first trimester. harder than the midday exhaustion, the random cravings and aversions, the lack of wine, specialty cheeses, and coffee (well, that's a close one). i want to tell everyone (because clearly everyone would be as thrilled as me) :) because it's the one piece of news that makes everyone smile.

So it begins again...

this post is written for me and only me at this moment, but as i know i'll share it with close family and friends in a few months time, i suppose i'll write for a wider audience.

ranya is going to be sixteen months old in a few days. wow, sixteen months! how the time has raced by. everyone says kids grow up so fast, but no one talks about how they make the parents grow up, too. i just read the last entry before she was born, and i seemed so excited, so novice, so young. i thought 'BG' would change my life and everything would come up smelling like roses.

well, it has. rani is the most amazing person i have ever met, and to know that i am related to her humbles me. i know that sounds weird, given that she's not even two and she's my daughter, but there's something about her that leaves me awestruck. she's so vibrant, and funny, and intense; she has these searching eyes that decipher exactly what i'm thinking when i'm thinking it. i have a feeling she's definitely been here before. she gets things, you know? i can't explain it any more than that. perhaps all children get things, but i wouldn't know any better.

but i will soon...

i just found out i am three weeks pregnant! i feel the same as i did when i found out last time. i'm happy, but cautiously so. i allowed myself to eat a fun-sized snickers bar, but not a whole one. i'm writing this post before i've even told rups (i'll tell him in person when he gets home from work) and so for these few hours, this pregnancy is mine and mine alone. well, and my little bundle of cells that is rapidly multiplying as we speak. mine to dream up silly names for, and mine to wish for all the things that i won't say aloud.

but funny, one major thought i had was, 'i'm sorry, rani'. i feel sorry that in one tumultuous day, i'm going to take away the full attention of her parents. she's so unsuspecting that her wonderful life will change and that she'll have to share us. i just want to make sure that she always feels as loved and wanted as she does now, and that a new baby won't replace her in the slightest. a friend who had a second baby commented during the second baby's early days that she wasn't sure she loved #2 as much as #1 yet. i wonder if i'll feel that way. even this blog entry, which was supposed to be about my pregnancy with baby #2 has been mostly about rani. well, right now she is my world. but my world (and soon my belly) is constantly expanding.

Can't believe it's been 38 weeks!!

mood: so so ready yet a bit pensive

i seriously can't believe i am full-term and BG is going to be here literally any day now. she's not due for another 14 days, but as my OB is convinced she's going to come early, it really could be anywhere from tonight to three weeks from now (please not three weeks--i am ready now!). she 'dropped' about a week ago (the uterus falls lower into the abdomen in preparation for the upcoming labor so i can finally breathe again and don't have the searing rib pain anymore!). she's rapidly approaching seven pounds and is about 20 inches long right now. supposedly her weight continues to increase half an ounce per day (wow) while mine comes to a halt or i start losing weight. i've gained another two pounds over the past three weeks so the pound count is now at 18, which i'm content with. everyone has been saying i look ready to pop, which i take to mean my belly is huge, so i know she's gaining appropriately. i've been having braxton-hicks contractions regularly for over a month, but no real contractions yet.

BG responds to light, has a strong grip, and is now engaged in my pelvis in the position she'll be in when i deliver. last week the OB did a cervical exam and said, "i feel the baby's head." it was such a surreal moment--she was touching BG's head??? as ready as i am mentally, it was still odd to hear there's physically a baby in there! to be honest, though, even though it was wonderful to hear, i felt kind of jipped because i wanted to be the first one to touch her.

so the labor bag is packed (rups even packed a miniature one for BG's stuff), the car seat is in place, the pediatrician has been chosen, the clothes and bedding have been washed, the labor and delivery tour is done, the breastfeeding class has been taken, daycares have been contacted (she is on a six-month waiting list at three of them!!), maternity leave is worked out (i'm taking 12 weeks off so i won't be done with residency till the end of August), the nursery is ready to welcome her, friends and family have their cell phones, work phones and pagers on hand, now it's just wait time.

for the first time last night, i started becoming a little scared. i'm not sure of what really, but i've been having dreams lately of wanting to be taken care of and nurtured myself, as if once she is born that will never happen again. i know and and expect my life will be drastically different, and i think that's something i'm nervous about. rups and i have built a really good life for ourselves and we are so ready to bring a little girl into it, but we also have no idea about what to really expect. i think part of my fears are about labor itself, but three friends who have delivered recently said their deliveries went amazingly and they would do it again in a heartbeat. that's definitely encouraging. a lot of the fear is, to be trite, fear of the unknown. what is motherhood really like? i have plenty of good mothers around me, including my own, to see what to do in the later years, but i still have no idea what being a mother to a newborn is like. i can see how my friends are with their newborns, but i have a feeling until i experience it, it will still be totally foreign to me. admittedly, it's a bit selfish, but i wonder if i'll ever have time for myself again to just do my own thing like browse old bookstores, or write, or have a girls' night out, or sleep. i really love sleep. my little girl is going to be my world, i know, and i can't wait for that, but these questions still linger, you know?

so i turn 30 tomorrow (november 11). 30! it seems monumental but at the same time it feels like, 'so what?'. it doesn't really change anything, i'm definitely not upset in any way about it (i'm actually happy about it), and i feel like lots of the things i thought i'd do by 30 have been done (but plenty have not). the number is just so built up in our society as if our entire lives have to be set by now, so i am refusing to accept it as such a defining number. i'm going to choose 48 for mine.

rups had surprise after surprise for me this past weekend, from a beautiful pair of diamond earrings to a fancy dinner to a musical--i had a great time! i didn't need all that, but it was so nice to see how much thought he put into everything and how he still regards my happiness so highly (i think it was also his way of thanking me for the being the baby mama without the drama). as i've said before, he's going to be an amazing dad. he just better not be the fun one and relegate me to the discipliner role! it's funny to think there's a chance that BG and i might have the same birthday. she's definitely going to be a fiery scorpio, but i think for her future independence, it might be better for her to have her own day and not feel obligated to be with her mom on every birthday.

38 weeks: our knocked-up prom shot from this past weekend

so that's what's been going on lately. perhaps the next time i write i will be a new mom! or i'll be a very roly-poly overdue prego lady who's truly ready to pop!