Sugary sweetness

Week 30
Mood: pretty good

















i can't believe this is me. seriously, this is weird. i've really popped out in the past few weeks. i now walk past a mirror or large window and it takes more than a few seconds to recognize my own reflection. rups actually thinks it's funny how big i am getting. he's gotten into the habit of staring in awe and then laughing, which then of course gets me laughing.

about three days ago, i had the gestational diabetes test at my ob's office. i drank this incredibly sweet syrupy orange concoction that i think is really just raw sugar melted in cotton candy swirled with sugarcane juice. getting it down wasn't the problem, but i seriously felt more nausous after drinking that than i have my entire pregnancy! it was so gross, and then i had to just sit there for an hour till i could get my blood drawn so that i didn't burn any of the sugar. everyone knows i am not an excerciser, but i would have PAID to be able to jog around the waiting room! i'll probably get the results tomorrow. i'm a little concerned, since i love sweets and diabetes runs in my family, but i feel i've been making pretty good healthy choices about what to eat, and the ultrasounds show she's growing at a good rate and is a good size.

speaking of size, i've decided not to be concerned about my lack of rapid weight gain. i'm due in 10 weeks and i've gained 11 pounds. i know that doesn't sound like much, but she's healthy, she moves around a lot, her size is good and my mom didn't gain an incredible amount of weight and i was just fine, so i'm just going to not stress about it. my ob has even said she feels okay with the weight gain, as long as i gain a pound a week for the next ten weeks. i'll try, but we'll see... BG now weighs about 3 pounds and is 17 inches long. she is running out of room in there but somehow (thankfully) keeps growing. sometimes i'll feel or even see a big hard lump against my abdominal wall, and i imagine it is her head--either that, or her little behind. :)

oh, and i started having braxton hicks contractions about a week ago! i thought the pressure was just BG playing the linebacker and ramming her head into my abdominal wall, but i found out yesterday that these were actually the contractions i'd always heard about. don't worry, they're normal anytime after the first trimester and do not indicate the onset of labor--it's just a lot of pressure from the uterus contracting that lasts a few seconds, and they don't hurt, but sometims they are a bit uncomfortable.

i'm so used to being pregnant now, but to actually have a baby...i'm ready, but at the same time, it's like, "really? someone is just going to give me a baby and i'm going to be it's mom?" but when i think about her--actually think about her, not just about being pregnant--i feel like she's so completely mine and we already have this total connection. BG and i understand each other's moods, communicate mentally, and have this language that only we can understand. i already know what her different kicks mean, and if i ever have any coffee (maybe once or twice a week), she definitely shows me her disapproval by kicking for 24 hours straight. i've quickly learned not to have more than one third of a cup, and even then only if i need to stay up all night when i'm on call at the hospital. she let my sister feel her kick (oh yes, she decides who she's going to kick for) for the first time a few nights ago, and it was one of the top three strongest kicks she's ever given. anjali's hand virtually flew off my belly! i think that means she really likes her.

the 'stuff' we need to get before she comes is coming together, but now i need to focus on the 'whos'. i have to find a pediatrician, a daycare center, an attorney to make a will, etc. that all seems like such adult stuff to do! we're ready for it, though. rups has really been wonderful throughout the pregnancy--from running out to the store to buy milk (i go through a lot of milk) to making sure i don't carry anything weighing over 2 ounces to setting up the nursery/den to even going shopping for baby girl outfits. he'll listen as i talk on and on and on about whatever comes to my mind, even if he's heard it a hundred times before. it's really so cute, and it's clear he's going to be so involved with her life.

...and the third trimester begins

mood: exhausted

first, i have to say i love getting emails and messages from all of you about the blog! it makes it even more fun to write. keep 'em coming!

i can't believe the third trimester is already here! at this point (week 27) BG weighs almost 2 pounds, measures around 14 inches from head to heel, and hears noises, responds to light, and is generally more aware of her surroundings. in the next 13 weeks she is going to gain about 6 pounds! where the heck is all that going to go?! i feel huge already! sometimes i don't know what to do with this big belly. it bumps into things (lightly) and seems to lead the direction i'm going in even if i planned on going the other way. i think BG is definitely playing games with me. she's already such a tease! i haven't gained any weight in the past two weeks, though, which i suppose is a bit concerning. she's still kicking away all the time, but i've only gained about 12 pounds in all so far. as long as i gain about a pound a week for the next 13 weeks, i should be fine, though. i started buying 2% milk, eating more chocolate, not getting anything low-fat, eating ice cream on a thrice daily basis, and in general eating the way i haven't eaten since high school. it feels good!

i'm getting kind of nervous. the only things we've bought so far are some books, stuffed animals, a crib and an armoire! that's not exactly going to feed and clothe the baby. we've been looking for and registering for bassinettes and play yards and gliders and blankets and pumps and all sorts of random things that i'm sure our mothers did without, but somehow seem crucial now. i'm trying not to fall for all the hype about the super brand name items or the ridiculously expensive 'must haves', but i find myself wanting things more organic. i read reviews like a maniac! anything under four stars from more than 20 people and the item is out. i know, it's a bit excessive, but that's really all i have to go on right now. everyone around me is having babies, but they're all being just born, so the experience is only starting to kick in for them, too. i'm sure by the next one i'll be like, 'that costs $2.99 and you have no idea what the reviews say? i'll take it." after we sort-of impulsively bought this beautiful armoire because we got a great deal on it, we realized we don't have any space in our bedroom so we have decided to turn the den into a nursery. rups put together the crib (it was very cute!) and moved the armoire in, aso the nursery is definitely starting to shape up!

this week i've reverted back to my first trimester exhaustion. i just don't sleep well at night anymore. rups says i've started snoring! i take offense to that! i do NOT snore, i just breathe deeply because my lung capacity is greatly diminished thanks to HIS child. (that excuse still doesn't prevent him from having to sleep in the guest room sometimes.) i wake up at random times throughout the night and have to find things to occupy myself (email, eating, reading random textbooks to bore myself back to sleep), and then all day the only thing i want is a nap. i start scoping out places to sleep at work--this office, that chair, that corner that looks semi-vacuumed. no, i don't actually just curl up in random places, but i do daydream about it. a lot. today i had about 24 minutes between work and a dentist's appt and i came home for a quickie nap. and it actually helped!

everyone keeps asking me about names. i'm not telling! we have one picked out but we're keeping it mum until she's born. too much input otherwise. and i'm keeping a backup just in case she doesn't look like the first name. we've gotten so used to calling her by the name that i really hope she looks like it!

25 weeks and the physical symptoms kick in

mood: more tired than usual

today (tuesday) is rups' birthday and BG (baby girl--very original, i know) got him a card and baked him a chocolate cake with reese's peanut butter cups crumbled in. he thinks it's funny and cute when i hold my belly and attempt my far-from-perfected ventriloquism by talking in a high pitched little girl's voice as if BG is talking to him, or do things as if she's the one doing them. and who am i to not further the developing bond between father and daughter? we haven't been as good about reading to her at night because our schedules have been so erratic and i've been out of town on my own for a week, but we're getting back into it. she seems to respond to his voice really well--she often starts kicking when he talks to her, which makes him even more happy to talk to her. it's really quite cute.

i also had my o.b. checkup today. at the last visit one month ago, my o.b. was concerned that i hadn't been gaining enough weight. that definitely wasn't the case today. i had been instructed to gain a pound a week over the past month, and i gained five pounds (total, not per week). so there! i definitely look pregnant now when i wear a dress, but when i wear looser shirts, people still can't always tell. i'll have my gestational diabetes test done next month. i'm a little concerned because i love love love sweets and there is a family history of diabetes, but my ob feels given my age and prior birth weight, i should be okay.

BG is doing really well. she's a lot quieter during the day nowadays, but at night, she loves to kick up a storm. she's about 1.5 pounds (how the heck does she kick so hard?!). she's obviously not ready to be born, but it is some comfort knowing that if i did go into labor this early, she is now old enough to be viable. she'd be in the hospital for months growing and avoiding infections, but she would likely survive. i'm scaring myself just thinking about it, so enough of that.

the heartburn kicked in a couple weeks ago and i finally understand why it is so awful! it's this searing discomfort that runs up and down your esophagus, and i found the only thing that makes it better is ice cream or chocolate milk (well, i guess regular milk would work but chocolate milk tastes so good!). this is not an excuse to feel like i'm doing something beneficial by gorging on ice cream, but it seriously is one of the only things that makes it go away. the heartburn doesn't happen every day, but when it does, it seriously makes me feel like an old wrinkly man melted into in his rocking chair complaining about and expecting a badge of courage for every ache. yes, heartburn makes me think all that.

to get my second badge/war wound, i have to mention that today i had the first pangs of back pain. you know, the achy kind that is so deep rooted that no massage even makes it feel better. that might be because i was trying to give myself a massage (rups was at work) but i don't think anything would have helped. i try to minimize the amount of tylenol i take; i usually only take it if i have a pretty bad headache, but if this backache keeps going, i might give in to the siren call of the tylenol.

AND, to top it all off, i haven't slept well in weeks. i just can't find a comfortable position, and i have three and a half more months of growing to go! i'm not quite as elatedly happy as i was in the past few posts (in fact, i'm a little grumpy in the evenings for about half an hour at a time), but i don't let myself take it out on rups. i'm pretty sure it's because i'm not sleeping well.

so there's all my complaining. the good news is that i feel pregnancy has been bringing me and my mom even closer together. we've always been close, but i think she feels that i can understand better the things that she's gone through (and she's right), so our conversations are longer and less hierarchical than they used to be. we talk basically every day now, whereas i remember when we'd go 1-2 weeks without talking before. it's nice. i feel lucky to have her support, especially as i've heard stories about moms who really just don't get involved in their daughters' daily pregnancy woes or make them feel like talking to them so regularly is kind of a nuisance. since we can only have two relatives in the room when we deliver, she is definitely going to be one of them. rups will of course be the other. sorry, anj!

she's got rups' features

mood: amazed

thanks to everyone who emailed or called or sent mental prayers after the last entry. yeah, it was a scare, but with the first pregnancy, you feel like you can't take anything for granted. several of you reading this are pregnant, and i know you can't say otherwise! she's doing great now, kicking away like a soccer player [i know, we live in the u.s.--who cares about soccer? ;) ], especially early in the morning just as i find a good sleeping position.

rups' friend, an ultrasound tech, performed a 4D ultrasound for us, and the pictures are amazing! she's only 22 weeks along, and already we can see her with such clarity--it's as if we're already holding her! you can see her cheeks, her nose, her chin, her hands, her knees. unfortunately, we can't put the videos up here, but seeing her move around in 4D was such a rush! she'd open her mouth wide or scratch her nose and it was kind of like watching tv, but it was watching a movie of our unborn child!

so i've attached some of the pictures here:

don't worry, she doesn't have a mohawk and she does have a hand! it was just the angle at which the pictures were captured. her eyes are fused shut for another six weeks, so no open eye pics just yet. i think she looks just like rups. what the heck??!

here's what's happening inside my belly this week: the baby is very thin but very developed. she measures more than 9.5 inches now, but still only weighs about 13 ounces. at this point, she has only 1 percent body fat. (i'd settle for 25% at this point). her eyelids are completely developed too, though they're fused shut until about 28 weeks. (i'm not sure i believe this; either i saw her eyes on the ultrasound or i saw right through her eyelids). her eyebrows are now formed, too, and the hairs are pure white! (guess we won't have to worry about unwanted hair removal for some time...) her arms and legs have reached their final proportions (but not their final size), and jumping jacks are her favorite activity. and she has nails! (remember that scene in juno...the nails saved the baby's life!). now for sure she can smile; i knew i wasn't seeing things! also, most importantly, her brain begins rapid growth. i better ramp up the talking to her and start playing classical music!

i'm doing well, too. i still have a lot of energy, i get the best nighttime shifts to work because everyone wants to look after the pregnant lady, and my belly still hasn't started knocking things over. before i got pregnant, rups and i met a pregnant woman who was really rather crabby 24/7 (major euphamism) to everyone around her (especially her husband), and i promised him i would never be like that. trust me, sometimes i want to get kind of snappy, but i hold it in because no one wants to be around a pregzilla. and, i, for sure, would never want to act like one. it's easy to feel like, because you're prego, the world should stop whenever you feel so much as the urge to sneeze. but it doesn't. nor should it. sure, the majority of my thoughts are with the pregnancy, but i am fully aware that my gravid state is not the center of everyone else's universe. to be honest, i'm a little surprised at myself--i thought for sure i'd be more demanding, more emotionally labile (the weekend doesn't count--there was a reason!), and more self-centered, but i'm just not feeling that way. i feel like the vibe i give off is the vibe my little girl picks up on, and all i want is positivity and happiness right now, towards myself and towards everyone around me.

waiting for that kick

mood: still a bit speechless

i'm discovering a baby is so much responsibility even BEFORE she is born, and when even the tiniest concern arises, the self-blame game is inevitable. tomorrow i'll be in my 22nd week, and i still think about those three drinks i had before i knew i was pregnant, not eating enough protein or calcium, not getting enough sleep, working too many weekends, not talking to her enough, sometimes forgetting to take my prenatals, etc. i know we just have to try our best, but is what i'm doing my best?

something happened last night that absolutely petrified me. i haven't even told my family about it yet because it's still too scary to talk about easily. it was basically a normal day for us. i got up, went to work, and was on call that night in the ER starting at 9 pm. as i woke up from a nap at 8 pm, i realized i hadn't felt her move for pretty much the entire day when usually she is so active. i mean, she loves to kick all day long! it just hit me all of a sudden that there could be something really wrong. rups was in chicago and i just didn't know what to do. i called rups and in the middle of telling him how concerned i was, i just started crying uncontrollably. i can't imagine what was going through his mind. it wasn't like a pms-type mood swing; he could tell i was genuinely frightened. he called his colleague who was on call that night and had me go to his hospital right away to get an ultrasound. all i could think of was the worst, and all the possible things i could have done wrong.

i don't even know how i drove myself to the hospital through the blinding tears. rups had told me to call a friend to come with me, but i didn't want to see anyone but my baby on the screen right then. i had finished packing up my stuff for the overnight call as if everything was normal because i didn't want to behave as if the alternative were a possibility. i ate an ice cream sandwich in the car even, because sugar always wakes her up before an ultrasound. i was trying to keep everything on the outside as normal as possible, but those were fifteen minutes filled with the worst thoughts i could imagine. all these awful scenarios kept going through my head (i will not repeat them here). i don't know if i've ever been that scared before, or wanted something that much. i kept repeating over and over: "be okay, xxxx. be okay, xxxx". even after the sugar load, i didn't feel a peep out of her.

rups' friend was waiting by the hospital door to take me to the ultrasound room. normally when he sees me he gives me a big hug, but he could see the gravity of the situation in my face and my bloodshot eyes. the ultrasound tech was this middle-aged japanese lady who was so sweet and tried to busy me with small talk while she was setting up the probe. normally i would have been annoyed at the distraction at such an important moment but that night i was grateful. she had me lay down on the table, put the probe on my stomach, and all of a sudden there was my little girl, sleeping away, her heart beating in the 140's, her hand up by her ear as if she was trying to listen to what i was whispering to her. she was so beautiful, carefree, and completely unaware of how much love someone already had for her. seeing her there like that, tears started streaming down my face. i was so relieved i didn't even know what to do but cry!

but still, even after seeing her heart beating, i waited several minutes to watch that she was having random movements of all her limbs, her head, her torso. i saw each millimeter of her move spontaneously, from shuffling her tiny feet to opening her eyes, and only then did i accept she was okay. my wish had been granted, my prayer had been answered, and my nightmare was no longer a reality. i went to the bathroom and just let myself sob for a while in such utter relief and happiness. rups had been waiting on edge for my call, and when i told him she was okay, i could feel over the phone the release of air that had been stored in his lungs. i think he didn't totally believe i wasn't still delirious, so he asked to talk to the ultrasound tech to confirm it.

that night i floated through work, and as a dazzling morning snuck up on the busy ER in the middle of suburban milwaukee, the little girl inside me gave a huge kick.

abnormally happy

Mood: Abnormally happy

here's the most recent picture of my little girl! i can't stop staring at it. :) so it obviously hasn't been a week since i wrote last, but i just wanted to write about how happy i've been lately. pregnancy is like a natural antidepressant, even if you aren't depressed. i just wake up happy every morning, and nothing really seems to shake that. i don't know if that's because it's second trimester and supposedly everyone is happy during this time, or because i know the little girl inside of me is always keeping me company and (at least for now), i can protect her every second of the day, or because i'm thinking of all the wonderful things to come. either way, at risk of sounding like the biggest cheeseball, i just feel really really good. one not-so-good thing is that two days ago my ob told me i haven't gained enough weight. i've put on about six pounds, and she thinks i should have put on a minimum of ten pounds by now. it's not like i'm not trying! i eat all the time! right after i met with her, i went to whole foods and bought a ton of proteinaceous organic foods. lots of fake meat, tofu, peanut butter, beans, yogurt, soymilk, etc. just one day of eating all that protein and i already have my first hemorrhoid. i know, WAY too much information, but oh well. you guys are the ones i can trust with this kind of info!

starting the sixth month

Mood: Good

so i've started the sixth month today. wow. the little one is 10.5 incles from head to toe (this week we start including the legs in the measurement; hence the large jump in length since last week) and weights 10 ounces. rups can get us a 4D ultrasound done (basically a 3D ultrasound that also shows movement). normal ultrasounds are only 2D. this new ultrasound can show the contours of the face, the skin, everything! part of me doesn't want to do it because i want SOMETHING to be a surprise, but part of me is like, 'why not just do it? it'll make me feel even closer to her'. we might get it done next week.

i really need to stop calling her the little one or the baby. we used to call her pinto, but she's far outgrown the size of a pinto bean and she is no longer a boy (even remotely). so i'm taking suggestions for a nickname until she's born. anj, manga works but it always requires an explanation. so anyone? anyone? nish, this doesn't include you... :)

rups felt her kick for the second time last night. for the past few weeks, she's been totally playing games with him. whenever i feel her kicking, i tell him to come over and feel. he always come running (virtually his only mode of transportation these days as he trains for the chicago marathon) but as soon as he gets there, she quiets down. then they play this game of pretending like each other isn't on the other side of my belly. she won't move so he'll pretend he's left, but she's actually already too smart for him. he tries to wait her out but the second he takes his hand off my belly, she kicks and he misses it. so finally last night she decided to let him feel her kick again. he was so happy--not quite like the first time, but just as content.

he still reads to her every night. now we've moved from the book of moral stories to a book called baby minds, which tells all about the developing minds of infants. it's pretty interesting--we've decided to have them learn three languages by the time they're three. ;) yes, we are trying to breed a race of brainiacs. did i mention they'll be beautiful brainiacs?

i've just started telling doctors and nurses in the hospital where i work that i'm pregnant. to be honest, unless i'm wearing something pretty form-fitting, you can't really tell i'm pregnant yet. when i told a few of the nurses i work with yesterday, they were like, 'oh, we just thought you had gas!'. i don't know what is more disturbing, the fact that they still can't tell i'm pregnant, or that they discuss it amongst each other when they think i have gas.

anjali, nish, wendy and anna (a friend in my program) are arranging a baby shower for me on sept 27th in milwaukee which i think is so sweet of them. and also my mom and mother-in-law are planning one for the aunties (and uncles) in niles on august 24th, which is also very kind. this baby is going to be so loved! i'm excited for her!

about me, i feel great! my emotions are (pretty) stable--i've only broken into tears for absolutely no reason at all twice during the whole pregnancy, the last time being a few days ago. of course rups thinks he's done something wrong and tries to make it up to me, and at the time i don't even know how to tell him i'm just crying for no reason because then he'll just think i'm crazy. otherwise i've got tons of energy and don't have to take afternoon naps everyday. i'm getting more used to my body, although to be honest, sometimes i do just feel pretty unattractive with this big belly and expanding hips. of course it's worth it, though! i feel i'm getting more attached to little pepita by the day. several people have commented that i have the 'pregnancy glow' and that pregnancy really suits me well. that's always nice to hear. we'll see what happens third trimester...

that's it for now. stay tuned.