So it begins again...

this post is written for me and only me at this moment, but as i know i'll share it with close family and friends in a few months time, i suppose i'll write for a wider audience.

ranya is going to be sixteen months old in a few days. wow, sixteen months! how the time has raced by. everyone says kids grow up so fast, but no one talks about how they make the parents grow up, too. i just read the last entry before she was born, and i seemed so excited, so novice, so young. i thought 'BG' would change my life and everything would come up smelling like roses.

well, it has. rani is the most amazing person i have ever met, and to know that i am related to her humbles me. i know that sounds weird, given that she's not even two and she's my daughter, but there's something about her that leaves me awestruck. she's so vibrant, and funny, and intense; she has these searching eyes that decipher exactly what i'm thinking when i'm thinking it. i have a feeling she's definitely been here before. she gets things, you know? i can't explain it any more than that. perhaps all children get things, but i wouldn't know any better.

but i will soon...

i just found out i am three weeks pregnant! i feel the same as i did when i found out last time. i'm happy, but cautiously so. i allowed myself to eat a fun-sized snickers bar, but not a whole one. i'm writing this post before i've even told rups (i'll tell him in person when he gets home from work) and so for these few hours, this pregnancy is mine and mine alone. well, and my little bundle of cells that is rapidly multiplying as we speak. mine to dream up silly names for, and mine to wish for all the things that i won't say aloud.

but funny, one major thought i had was, 'i'm sorry, rani'. i feel sorry that in one tumultuous day, i'm going to take away the full attention of her parents. she's so unsuspecting that her wonderful life will change and that she'll have to share us. i just want to make sure that she always feels as loved and wanted as she does now, and that a new baby won't replace her in the slightest. a friend who had a second baby commented during the second baby's early days that she wasn't sure she loved #2 as much as #1 yet. i wonder if i'll feel that way. even this blog entry, which was supposed to be about my pregnancy with baby #2 has been mostly about rani. well, right now she is my world. but my world (and soon my belly) is constantly expanding.