waiting for that kick

mood: still a bit speechless

i'm discovering a baby is so much responsibility even BEFORE she is born, and when even the tiniest concern arises, the self-blame game is inevitable. tomorrow i'll be in my 22nd week, and i still think about those three drinks i had before i knew i was pregnant, not eating enough protein or calcium, not getting enough sleep, working too many weekends, not talking to her enough, sometimes forgetting to take my prenatals, etc. i know we just have to try our best, but is what i'm doing my best?

something happened last night that absolutely petrified me. i haven't even told my family about it yet because it's still too scary to talk about easily. it was basically a normal day for us. i got up, went to work, and was on call that night in the ER starting at 9 pm. as i woke up from a nap at 8 pm, i realized i hadn't felt her move for pretty much the entire day when usually she is so active. i mean, she loves to kick all day long! it just hit me all of a sudden that there could be something really wrong. rups was in chicago and i just didn't know what to do. i called rups and in the middle of telling him how concerned i was, i just started crying uncontrollably. i can't imagine what was going through his mind. it wasn't like a pms-type mood swing; he could tell i was genuinely frightened. he called his colleague who was on call that night and had me go to his hospital right away to get an ultrasound. all i could think of was the worst, and all the possible things i could have done wrong.

i don't even know how i drove myself to the hospital through the blinding tears. rups had told me to call a friend to come with me, but i didn't want to see anyone but my baby on the screen right then. i had finished packing up my stuff for the overnight call as if everything was normal because i didn't want to behave as if the alternative were a possibility. i ate an ice cream sandwich in the car even, because sugar always wakes her up before an ultrasound. i was trying to keep everything on the outside as normal as possible, but those were fifteen minutes filled with the worst thoughts i could imagine. all these awful scenarios kept going through my head (i will not repeat them here). i don't know if i've ever been that scared before, or wanted something that much. i kept repeating over and over: "be okay, xxxx. be okay, xxxx". even after the sugar load, i didn't feel a peep out of her.

rups' friend was waiting by the hospital door to take me to the ultrasound room. normally when he sees me he gives me a big hug, but he could see the gravity of the situation in my face and my bloodshot eyes. the ultrasound tech was this middle-aged japanese lady who was so sweet and tried to busy me with small talk while she was setting up the probe. normally i would have been annoyed at the distraction at such an important moment but that night i was grateful. she had me lay down on the table, put the probe on my stomach, and all of a sudden there was my little girl, sleeping away, her heart beating in the 140's, her hand up by her ear as if she was trying to listen to what i was whispering to her. she was so beautiful, carefree, and completely unaware of how much love someone already had for her. seeing her there like that, tears started streaming down my face. i was so relieved i didn't even know what to do but cry!

but still, even after seeing her heart beating, i waited several minutes to watch that she was having random movements of all her limbs, her head, her torso. i saw each millimeter of her move spontaneously, from shuffling her tiny feet to opening her eyes, and only then did i accept she was okay. my wish had been granted, my prayer had been answered, and my nightmare was no longer a reality. i went to the bathroom and just let myself sob for a while in such utter relief and happiness. rups had been waiting on edge for my call, and when i told him she was okay, i could feel over the phone the release of air that had been stored in his lungs. i think he didn't totally believe i wasn't still delirious, so he asked to talk to the ultrasound tech to confirm it.

that night i floated through work, and as a dazzling morning snuck up on the busy ER in the middle of suburban milwaukee, the little girl inside me gave a huge kick.