she's got rups' features

mood: amazed

thanks to everyone who emailed or called or sent mental prayers after the last entry. yeah, it was a scare, but with the first pregnancy, you feel like you can't take anything for granted. several of you reading this are pregnant, and i know you can't say otherwise! she's doing great now, kicking away like a soccer player [i know, we live in the u.s.--who cares about soccer? ;) ], especially early in the morning just as i find a good sleeping position.

rups' friend, an ultrasound tech, performed a 4D ultrasound for us, and the pictures are amazing! she's only 22 weeks along, and already we can see her with such clarity--it's as if we're already holding her! you can see her cheeks, her nose, her chin, her hands, her knees. unfortunately, we can't put the videos up here, but seeing her move around in 4D was such a rush! she'd open her mouth wide or scratch her nose and it was kind of like watching tv, but it was watching a movie of our unborn child!

so i've attached some of the pictures here:

don't worry, she doesn't have a mohawk and she does have a hand! it was just the angle at which the pictures were captured. her eyes are fused shut for another six weeks, so no open eye pics just yet. i think she looks just like rups. what the heck??!

here's what's happening inside my belly this week: the baby is very thin but very developed. she measures more than 9.5 inches now, but still only weighs about 13 ounces. at this point, she has only 1 percent body fat. (i'd settle for 25% at this point). her eyelids are completely developed too, though they're fused shut until about 28 weeks. (i'm not sure i believe this; either i saw her eyes on the ultrasound or i saw right through her eyelids). her eyebrows are now formed, too, and the hairs are pure white! (guess we won't have to worry about unwanted hair removal for some time...) her arms and legs have reached their final proportions (but not their final size), and jumping jacks are her favorite activity. and she has nails! (remember that scene in juno...the nails saved the baby's life!). now for sure she can smile; i knew i wasn't seeing things! also, most importantly, her brain begins rapid growth. i better ramp up the talking to her and start playing classical music!

i'm doing well, too. i still have a lot of energy, i get the best nighttime shifts to work because everyone wants to look after the pregnant lady, and my belly still hasn't started knocking things over. before i got pregnant, rups and i met a pregnant woman who was really rather crabby 24/7 (major euphamism) to everyone around her (especially her husband), and i promised him i would never be like that. trust me, sometimes i want to get kind of snappy, but i hold it in because no one wants to be around a pregzilla. and, i, for sure, would never want to act like one. it's easy to feel like, because you're prego, the world should stop whenever you feel so much as the urge to sneeze. but it doesn't. nor should it. sure, the majority of my thoughts are with the pregnancy, but i am fully aware that my gravid state is not the center of everyone else's universe. to be honest, i'm a little surprised at myself--i thought for sure i'd be more demanding, more emotionally labile (the weekend doesn't count--there was a reason!), and more self-centered, but i'm just not feeling that way. i feel like the vibe i give off is the vibe my little girl picks up on, and all i want is positivity and happiness right now, towards myself and towards everyone around me.

waiting for that kick

mood: still a bit speechless

i'm discovering a baby is so much responsibility even BEFORE she is born, and when even the tiniest concern arises, the self-blame game is inevitable. tomorrow i'll be in my 22nd week, and i still think about those three drinks i had before i knew i was pregnant, not eating enough protein or calcium, not getting enough sleep, working too many weekends, not talking to her enough, sometimes forgetting to take my prenatals, etc. i know we just have to try our best, but is what i'm doing my best?

something happened last night that absolutely petrified me. i haven't even told my family about it yet because it's still too scary to talk about easily. it was basically a normal day for us. i got up, went to work, and was on call that night in the ER starting at 9 pm. as i woke up from a nap at 8 pm, i realized i hadn't felt her move for pretty much the entire day when usually she is so active. i mean, she loves to kick all day long! it just hit me all of a sudden that there could be something really wrong. rups was in chicago and i just didn't know what to do. i called rups and in the middle of telling him how concerned i was, i just started crying uncontrollably. i can't imagine what was going through his mind. it wasn't like a pms-type mood swing; he could tell i was genuinely frightened. he called his colleague who was on call that night and had me go to his hospital right away to get an ultrasound. all i could think of was the worst, and all the possible things i could have done wrong.

i don't even know how i drove myself to the hospital through the blinding tears. rups had told me to call a friend to come with me, but i didn't want to see anyone but my baby on the screen right then. i had finished packing up my stuff for the overnight call as if everything was normal because i didn't want to behave as if the alternative were a possibility. i ate an ice cream sandwich in the car even, because sugar always wakes her up before an ultrasound. i was trying to keep everything on the outside as normal as possible, but those were fifteen minutes filled with the worst thoughts i could imagine. all these awful scenarios kept going through my head (i will not repeat them here). i don't know if i've ever been that scared before, or wanted something that much. i kept repeating over and over: "be okay, xxxx. be okay, xxxx". even after the sugar load, i didn't feel a peep out of her.

rups' friend was waiting by the hospital door to take me to the ultrasound room. normally when he sees me he gives me a big hug, but he could see the gravity of the situation in my face and my bloodshot eyes. the ultrasound tech was this middle-aged japanese lady who was so sweet and tried to busy me with small talk while she was setting up the probe. normally i would have been annoyed at the distraction at such an important moment but that night i was grateful. she had me lay down on the table, put the probe on my stomach, and all of a sudden there was my little girl, sleeping away, her heart beating in the 140's, her hand up by her ear as if she was trying to listen to what i was whispering to her. she was so beautiful, carefree, and completely unaware of how much love someone already had for her. seeing her there like that, tears started streaming down my face. i was so relieved i didn't even know what to do but cry!

but still, even after seeing her heart beating, i waited several minutes to watch that she was having random movements of all her limbs, her head, her torso. i saw each millimeter of her move spontaneously, from shuffling her tiny feet to opening her eyes, and only then did i accept she was okay. my wish had been granted, my prayer had been answered, and my nightmare was no longer a reality. i went to the bathroom and just let myself sob for a while in such utter relief and happiness. rups had been waiting on edge for my call, and when i told him she was okay, i could feel over the phone the release of air that had been stored in his lungs. i think he didn't totally believe i wasn't still delirious, so he asked to talk to the ultrasound tech to confirm it.

that night i floated through work, and as a dazzling morning snuck up on the busy ER in the middle of suburban milwaukee, the little girl inside me gave a huge kick.

abnormally happy

Mood: Abnormally happy

here's the most recent picture of my little girl! i can't stop staring at it. :) so it obviously hasn't been a week since i wrote last, but i just wanted to write about how happy i've been lately. pregnancy is like a natural antidepressant, even if you aren't depressed. i just wake up happy every morning, and nothing really seems to shake that. i don't know if that's because it's second trimester and supposedly everyone is happy during this time, or because i know the little girl inside of me is always keeping me company and (at least for now), i can protect her every second of the day, or because i'm thinking of all the wonderful things to come. either way, at risk of sounding like the biggest cheeseball, i just feel really really good. one not-so-good thing is that two days ago my ob told me i haven't gained enough weight. i've put on about six pounds, and she thinks i should have put on a minimum of ten pounds by now. it's not like i'm not trying! i eat all the time! right after i met with her, i went to whole foods and bought a ton of proteinaceous organic foods. lots of fake meat, tofu, peanut butter, beans, yogurt, soymilk, etc. just one day of eating all that protein and i already have my first hemorrhoid. i know, WAY too much information, but oh well. you guys are the ones i can trust with this kind of info!

starting the sixth month

Mood: Good

so i've started the sixth month today. wow. the little one is 10.5 incles from head to toe (this week we start including the legs in the measurement; hence the large jump in length since last week) and weights 10 ounces. rups can get us a 4D ultrasound done (basically a 3D ultrasound that also shows movement). normal ultrasounds are only 2D. this new ultrasound can show the contours of the face, the skin, everything! part of me doesn't want to do it because i want SOMETHING to be a surprise, but part of me is like, 'why not just do it? it'll make me feel even closer to her'. we might get it done next week.

i really need to stop calling her the little one or the baby. we used to call her pinto, but she's far outgrown the size of a pinto bean and she is no longer a boy (even remotely). so i'm taking suggestions for a nickname until she's born. anj, manga works but it always requires an explanation. so anyone? anyone? nish, this doesn't include you... :)

rups felt her kick for the second time last night. for the past few weeks, she's been totally playing games with him. whenever i feel her kicking, i tell him to come over and feel. he always come running (virtually his only mode of transportation these days as he trains for the chicago marathon) but as soon as he gets there, she quiets down. then they play this game of pretending like each other isn't on the other side of my belly. she won't move so he'll pretend he's left, but she's actually already too smart for him. he tries to wait her out but the second he takes his hand off my belly, she kicks and he misses it. so finally last night she decided to let him feel her kick again. he was so happy--not quite like the first time, but just as content.

he still reads to her every night. now we've moved from the book of moral stories to a book called baby minds, which tells all about the developing minds of infants. it's pretty interesting--we've decided to have them learn three languages by the time they're three. ;) yes, we are trying to breed a race of brainiacs. did i mention they'll be beautiful brainiacs?

i've just started telling doctors and nurses in the hospital where i work that i'm pregnant. to be honest, unless i'm wearing something pretty form-fitting, you can't really tell i'm pregnant yet. when i told a few of the nurses i work with yesterday, they were like, 'oh, we just thought you had gas!'. i don't know what is more disturbing, the fact that they still can't tell i'm pregnant, or that they discuss it amongst each other when they think i have gas.

anjali, nish, wendy and anna (a friend in my program) are arranging a baby shower for me on sept 27th in milwaukee which i think is so sweet of them. and also my mom and mother-in-law are planning one for the aunties (and uncles) in niles on august 24th, which is also very kind. this baby is going to be so loved! i'm excited for her!

about me, i feel great! my emotions are (pretty) stable--i've only broken into tears for absolutely no reason at all twice during the whole pregnancy, the last time being a few days ago. of course rups thinks he's done something wrong and tries to make it up to me, and at the time i don't even know how to tell him i'm just crying for no reason because then he'll just think i'm crazy. otherwise i've got tons of energy and don't have to take afternoon naps everyday. i'm getting more used to my body, although to be honest, sometimes i do just feel pretty unattractive with this big belly and expanding hips. of course it's worth it, though! i feel i'm getting more attached to little pepita by the day. several people have commented that i have the 'pregnancy glow' and that pregnancy really suits me well. that's always nice to hear. we'll see what happens third trimester...

that's it for now. stay tuned.

First (official) ultrasound!

Mood: great

okay, okay, so i've had six unofficial ultrasounds already, but today was the first official one and it was just as exciting seeing my little girl swimming around in there. we'd figured it was a girl when we did the unofficial ultrasounds, but when it's confirmed, it makes the sex a little more believable. so we're having a girl and i couldn't be happier. i really wanted a girl first (and i knew all along that it would be...).

and i'm halfway through the pregnancy! i feel really good, too. my energy is back (it came back almost instantaneously soon after the start of the second trimester), i feel healthy, my appetite is back to normal (i know you're supposed to be ravenous the second trimester, but that was me the first trimester). i never had any morning sickness, so i feel really lucky about that.

enough about me, let's talk about the little girl growing inside of me. so right now she's about 6 inches and weighs around 9 ounces. she is starting to develop fingerprints, and i could have sworn i saw a little tuft of hair on her head on the ultrasound. also on the ultrasound, we've seen her hiccup, kick, wave, turn, sleep, curl up, and maybe even smile. (i know, that last one was stretching it).

but there are so many new little changes going on! i felt her kick for the first time about three weeks ago. i didn't know for sure if she was kicking or i was just having stomach issues, but the following days proved she was definitely kicking. she gets really riled up around 11 p.m. for some reason (i guess it's all the sugar from dessert). rups had the most amazing moment with her last weekend. we were at his sister's wedding and the father-daughter dance was going on. rups hadn't felt her kick yet, so when i felt her kicking, i put his hand on my stomach. right there, in the middle of the father-daughter dance, her little foot kicked his hand for the first time, and i saw his eyes light up and his mouth turn into a goofy grin like i'd never seen before. it was really the sweetest thing! he was so happy! now he sometimes just sits watching tv with his hand on my stomach, talks or reads to her every night, and kisses her goodnight (well, he kisses my expanding belly). he's so excited, and it really adds so much to my happiness to see him like this.

now that the ultrasound has definitely confirmed she's a girl, we can start shopping for stuff for her. i've actually done tons of shopping for myself (it's ridiculous how many clothes i've bought recently--14 dresses alone!) but nothing for the little one yet. i think pink is adorable, but i don't want an entire closet full of pink, you know?

we have to start thinking of daycare vs our moms taking turns staying with us, our call schedules, and purchasing all the big stuff, like cribs and strollers. my mom and mother-in-law are trying to get a baby shower arranged, but i think i'd like to have separate ones for the aunties and for my friends. especially because my mother-in-law would like to invite the men in the family to the auntie baby shower.

i'm supposed to possibly be able to hear her heartbeat with a stethoscope. it'll be the first time i've used my stethoscope in two years, but i'm going to go try now...