Random thoughts

Mood: Lonely

so tomorrow i'll be ten weeks pregnant. it really seems so much longer than that. it's hard not having rups around for an entire month, not just because i'm pregnant, but just in general. of course we talk on the phone multiple times a day, but i'm so used to him being around, making me laugh, cooking together, tucking me in at night. i miss him a lot, and it's only been a week! i'll be visiting him in d.c. in a couple weeks, but even that seems so far away. perhaps the time will go fast.

pinto is doing well, as far as i can tell. he's now the size of a lime!obviously he is too small for me to feel his movements, but i know he's his father's child and is plenty active. he may be running his own marathons in utero. :) in about three weeks, i'll be entering the second trimester, which will not only make him bigger, but more public. as of now, only the immediate family and a few close friends know. i'll probably start telling people after thirteen weeks, even if i'm not showing. some people don't really show until after twenty weeks! that's still 2.5 months away! we'll also be able to find out for sure what gender pinto is around twenty weeks. i will seriously be happy with either a boy or a girl; as everyone says of their unborn children, i just want him/her to be healthy.

at this point, i'm a little hesitant to start making concrete plans for the baby (eg thinking about how to rearrange the guest room to accommodate a crib, looking into day care for after i go back to work, stocking up on stuff i know we'll need that is on sale now, etc). i guess i don't want to set myself up for disappointment and pain if something goes wrong. of course there'd be plenty of disappointment and pain anyway, but i don't want to think about that right now. everything will be fine.

i switched ob docs this week because i just didn't feel like the one i'd had the first two appts with really cared. maybe it was just that her personality and mine didn't click, but i always felt rushed, and a little dumb after leaving her office. i feel like she kind of glanced over things, she's really hard to get appts with, and part of me felt like she was judging me, like "you're a doctor, you shouldn't ask such dumb questions." but in this situtation, i'm not a doctor, i'm a to-be-mother who wants the best for her child and doesn't care if questions sound elementary or superstitious. i just wanted her to objectively answer them, with compassion, but i didn't feel that from her. so i switched to one of her partners, whom i'd seen once in the past for a non-ob check up, and i totally liked her. she wasn't as experienced since she was only two years out of residency, but i just felt so much more of a connection with her. i just made the changes with the secretary, so i don't think either doctor even knows yet. the new one will find out in three weeks when i show up at her doorstep.

First big scare

Mood: Relieved

okay, so i don't drink enough water. i KNOW. i'm trying, really i am, but i hate water. how can anyone hate water, i've been asked a million times. i don't know, but i do. i've tried flavored powder, different bottled waters, not letting myself drink anything else, but i still don't drink enough. so naturally (ready for too much information?), i've become rather constipated. this weekend the constipation cramps set in, and they scared the crap out of me (i wish). they did really freak me out, though. the worst possibilities were running through my head and after a few hours of relentless cramping, r and i went back to his hospital for a repeat ultrasound. we were actually on our way to chicago but knew we couldn't rest without knowing if the baby was okay. when i laid down on the paper-covered table this time, there was no excitement, just extreme nervousness and fear. as soon as i saw the little heart beating, my eyes welled up again, this time in such relief. one of his radiology attendings came and took a look, too, and he even said everything looked fine. all morning, the prayer 'please be okay, pinto' just kept running through my head. thank god he is. it's funny how you can love something that is one inch long with your entire heart.

First ultrasound!!!

Mood: Elated

this is kind of a late entry, but the emotions are still the same.

today I will have my first OB appt and r is in miami on an interview. We were kind of sad that we wouldn't be able to see the baby for the first time together, until the humor of his job hit us. he's a radiology resident and has access to ultrasound machines 24/7! duh. so about a week ago, 8 weeks and 1 day into the pregnancy, i surreptitiously snuck into his hospital while he was on call and nervously laid down on the paper-covered table. i was so nervous and excited i was even making small talk with him, which of course he called me out on. our friends, w and d, came with me for moral support (and to share in the excitement) and w held my hand while r set up the machine and put the lubricant on the probe and the probe on my slightly expanded abdomen. all of a sudden there he was. pinto patel. (we'd been jokingly referring to him as pinto for a few days since finding out at 8 weeks he was the size of a pinto bean, and as pinto just sounds like a boy's name, he became a boy that day).

he was beautiful. his beautifully curved head, the little arm and leg buds waving randomly, the slight rise of his abdomen. and then we saw the flutter. his heart was fluttering so fast and gently that it stopped mine. r was holding my hand by then and i squeezed it while tears welled up in my eyes. it had been real before, but at that moment it was REAL. we were both speechless. if you panned out of the room with a wide-angle camera, you'd see two to-be parents with goofy smiles on their faces watching a black and white fuzzy screen, mesmerized. the heart rate was 180, which i thought might be a little fast, but is actually fine. everything about him was fine--the fluid, the sac, the size, the heart, the shape. then the ultrasound tech turned on the speakers and we heard the heartbeat. whoosh whoosh whoosh whoosh. one of the most amazing sounds in the human musical repertoire. it was the sound of health and delicacy and robustness and vulnerability all in one. i fell in love for the second time ever that day. and both times with patels.

what the...?

Mood: Uncomfortable

i can't believe this--i'm going to be seven weeks tomorrow and already i'm gaining weight! you're not supposed to gain weight till the second trimester! admittedly, i have been eating whenever i want if i feel the slightest bit hungry, because feeling hungry makes me feel nauseous, but still! i totally have to watch what i'm eating more. i think i've gained a couple pounds already, which is so ridiculous since the baby is still only the size of a pea. and, to give too much information, i'm always constipated! i try drinking more water (rups even got me the propel power to put in my water bottles), but the more water i drink the more i pee and the more constipated i get. so i'm hungry, nauseous, putting on weight AND constipated. and it's only day 48! this is lovely.

we've even been planning on taking belly pictures, but this first picture was supposed to be me with a flat stomach--i already look three months pregnant because of my constipation! ick!