i seriously can't believe i am full-term and BG is going to be here literally any day now. she's not due for another 14 days, but as my OB is convinced she's going to come early, it really could be anywhere from tonight to three weeks from now (please not three weeks--i am ready now!). she 'dropped' about a week ago (the uterus falls lower into the abdomen in preparation for the upcoming labor so i can finally breathe again and don't have the searing rib pain anymore!). she's rapidly approaching seven pounds and is about 20 inches long right now. supposedly her weight continues to increase half an ounce per day (wow) while mine comes to a halt or i start losing weight. i've gained another two pounds over the past three weeks so the pound count is now at 18, which i'm content with. everyone has been saying i look ready to pop, which i take to mean my belly is huge, so i know she's gaining appropriately. i've been having braxton-hicks contractions regularly for over a month, but no real contractions yet.
BG responds to light, has a strong grip, and is now engaged in my pelvis in the position she'll be in when i deliver. last week the OB did a cervical exam and said, "i feel the baby's head." it was such a surreal moment--she was touching BG's head??? as ready as i am mentally, it was still odd to hear there's physically a baby in there! to be honest, though, even though it was wonderful to hear, i felt kind of jipped because i wanted to be the first one to touch her.
so the labor bag is packed (rups even packed a miniature one for BG's stuff), the car seat is in place, the pediatrician has been chosen, the clothes and bedding have been washed, the labor and delivery tour is done, the breastfeeding class has been taken, daycares have been contacted (she is on a six-month waiting list at three of them!!), maternity leave is worked out (i'm taking 12 weeks off so i won't be done with residency till the end of August), the nursery is ready to welcome her, friends and family have their cell phones, work phones and pagers on hand, now it's just wait time.
for the first time last night, i started becoming a little scared. i'm not sure of what really, but i've been having dreams lately of wanting to be taken care of and nurtured myself, as if once she is born that will never happen again. i know and and expect my life will be drastically different, and i think that's something i'm nervous about. rups and i have built a really good life for ourselves and we are so ready to bring a little girl into it, but we also have no idea about what to really expect. i think part of my fears are about labor itself, but three friends who have delivered recently said their deliveries went amazingly and they would do it again in a heartbeat. that's definitely encouraging. a lot of the fear is, to be trite, fear of the unknown. what is motherhood really like? i have plenty of good mothers around me, including my own, to see what to do in the later years, but i still have no idea what being a mother to a newborn is like. i can see how my friends are with their newborns, but i have a feeling until i experience it, it will still be totally foreign to me. admittedly, it's a bit selfish, but i wonder if i'll ever have time for myself again to just do my own thing like browse old bookstores, or write, or have a girls' night out, or sleep. i really love sleep. my little girl is going to be my world, i know, and i can't wait for that, but these questions still linger, you know?
so i turn 30 tomorrow (november 11). 30! it seems monumental but at the same time it feels like, 'so what?'. it doesn't really change anything, i'm definitely not upset in any way about it (i'm actually happy about it), and i feel like lots of the things i thought i'd do by 30 have been done (but plenty have not). the number is just so built up in our society as if our entire lives have to be set by now, so i am refusing to accept it as such a defining number. i'm going to choose 48 for mine.
rups had surprise after surprise for me this past weekend, from a beautiful pair of diamond earrings to a fancy dinner to a musical--i had a great time! i didn't need all that, but it was so nice to see how much thought he put into everything and how he still regards my happiness so highly (i think it was also his way of thanking me for the being the baby mama without the drama). as i've said before, he's going to be an amazing dad. he just better not be the fun one and relegate me to the discipliner role! it's funny to think there's a chance that BG and i might have the same birthday. she's definitely going to be a fiery scorpio, but i think for her future independence, it might be better for her to have her own day and not feel obligated to be with her mom on every birthday.
38 weeks: our knocked-up prom shot from this past weekend
so that's what's been going on lately. perhaps the next time i write i will be a new mom! or i'll be a very roly-poly overdue prego lady who's truly ready to pop!
